Memories

Memories... They can be so good and also so bad, but they frame our lives.  They are necessary.  So easy to forget at times, but also so difficult to get out of your head at other times.

Four days ago, August 19, began a short, but intense series of bad memories for me.  All the way through the first week of September, I will be unable to forget.  I will be sad, I will grieve, I will regret some things, I will probably still ask why about others. 

August 19th, two years ago, was when Seth and I found out the baby in my womb no longer lived.  Two years ago tomorrow, I had surgery, a D&C, to take my child's body from mine.  At this time seven years ago, my Daddy was lying in a hospital bed with his mind unclear and his body diminishing rapidly daily.  He passed away seven years ago September 2.  He was buried on his birthday, September 6.  There are also a few more different and private events that occurred in my life that week but in a different year that also had a very lasting, negative impact on my life. 

But God will bring me through.  I didn't say He would let me skip over it or that He would suddenly erase those things from my memory.  It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will over the next couple of weeks.  But He will be with me THROUGH it, like He always has been and always will be.  I will feel His presence, deep inside my soul, and in the comfort of my husband, my family, my friends. 

Mother's Day 2018

I wore my necklace today...the one Seth bought me after the miscarriage.  It has tiny baby feet and the March birthstone for our baby's due date.

I always try to be as transparent as possible because I believe God has allowed me to go through certain things in this life in order to hopefully be a light to others. 

So... I don't say this to be a "downer" to those celebrating Mother's Day.  Believe me, I am thankful for the 30 years I was able to celebrate my own precious mother.  I say this for those who have also had a hard day on this holiday.

This is my 2nd Mother's Day since our miscarriage.  I thought last year would have been the hardest, but I was wrong.  For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this year.  I am SO thankful for a husband and precious friends who have held me up today and all week.

But for those who are dealing with grief from losing their mothers, from infertility, from losing a child or children, from not having a good relationship with their mothers.... Seth and I have dealt with every single one of these, either separately or together, and we know.  We know how it hurts, how you feel you need to suffer in silence because of everyone else's joy.  We see you... we are with you in the trenches. 

Not only do women suffer on Mother's Day, so do some men.  It has been a very rough day for my husband today too.  He has hurt from knowing what I am going through, but he is also dealing with his own pain from these issues today.  So....women AND men.... We are praying with you, for you, and for us today.

First Birthday

Princesses, Mickey or Minnie, teddy bears, sailboats, butterflies...  I'm supposed to be planning a 1st Birthday party theme.  I should be able to flip through a photo album showing 12 months of growth for our bouncing baby girl or boy.  Instead I sit here on the one year anniversary of our baby's due date with this feeling of emptiness.  The same one I've had for over a year and a half now since the miscarriage.

Life goes on, and I really can't believe it's been a year already since his or her due date.  That feeling of emptiness dulls in a way, but I have the feeling I will be sitting here on this date feeling the same way for many years to come....Year 2, 5, 13, 18, 25, 30.  What would he or she look like?  Sound like? What would they be doing for a career?  Would they marry and have children?

"You made my whole being;  you formed me in my mother’s body." - Psalms 139:13 NCV

As long as I breathe, there will be an emptiness inside me... An ache for my child that I never got to see, empty arms that never held him or her, ears that never heard a small voice call me Mommy.  The memory of the day that precious heart beat no more. Remembering the day my womb was empty once again.

But through it all, I know he or she is in Heaven.  I believe I will get that hug one of these days.  That knowledge gives me hope to deal with this emptiness and grief.

"You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body.  When I was put together there you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." - Psalms 139:15-16 NCV

Your Daddy and I love you very much, Baby G.  Hope you are celebrating in Heaven with your grandparents.  They will love you well until we get there.