Mother's Day 2018

I wore my necklace today...the one Seth bought me after the miscarriage.  It has tiny baby feet and the March birthstone for our baby's due date.

I always try to be as transparent as possible because I believe God has allowed me to go through certain things in this life in order to hopefully be a light to others. 

So... I don't say this to be a "downer" to those celebrating Mother's Day.  Believe me, I am thankful for the 30 years I was able to celebrate my own precious mother.  I say this for those who have also had a hard day on this holiday.

This is my 2nd Mother's Day since our miscarriage.  I thought last year would have been the hardest, but I was wrong.  For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this year.  I am SO thankful for a husband and precious friends who have held me up today and all week.

But for those who are dealing with grief from losing their mothers, from infertility, from losing a child or children, from not having a good relationship with their mothers.... Seth and I have dealt with every single one of these, either separately or together, and we know.  We know how it hurts, how you feel you need to suffer in silence because of everyone else's joy.  We see you... we are with you in the trenches. 

Not only do women suffer on Mother's Day, so do some men.  It has been a very rough day for my husband today too.  He has hurt from knowing what I am going through, but he is also dealing with his own pain from these issues today.  So....women AND men.... We are praying with you, for you, and for us today.

2017 in Review

There are less than 2 hours of 2017 left as I sit here reflecting on the past year and on the one rapidly approaching.  2017 flew by.  It is amazing how fast time really does fly the older you get.  I will be 37 in 2 weeks.  I know I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore either. Lol

There was so much I wanted to accomplish in 2017 that didn't happen.  But I also have to remember that a lot of healing did take place this year.  Seth and I have had a rough several years, and I need to remember to give myself a break and the time to slow down, to process, to breathe, to heal.  Time passes fast, but grief and healing, as well as anxiety and depression, follow no time-table, calendar, or clock.

March 6th was the due date of our baby who didn't make it to see 2017.  We watched Mother's Day and Father's Day pass with empty arms.  I suffered a very low time of severe depression in the middle of the year, probably more severe than most people realized.  Seth was very worried and my psychiatrist was concerned.  Then I experienced an allergic reaction to newly prescribed Prozac and had to switch meds without tapering.  It was a rough time for me, and for Seth, but God saw us through.  I slowly improved again.

I was able to join the staff at Essential Church as a volunteer member.  Much of the last part of the year has been spent in the church office, working from home, or on staff trips.  This has been such a blessing for me.  A part-time job with responsibilities, but without the complete responsibility of a paying job.  It has been challenging in a good way and has helped me feel like I am contributing to life again.

We are so thankful for our family and our church family.  Friendships have been made and have gotten stronger this year.

Seth and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  He understands me like no one else ever could.  He takes care of me, protects me, encourages me, loves me.  He is still my forever love and best friend.

We still don't feel like we have a clear answer from God on whether to pursue getting pregnant again.  My biological clock is ticking....lol. But we are continuing to pray and wait for answers.  And I am praying to be content with whatever that answer is.

My hopes for 2018 are better health for both of us, less stress, and much more traveling and enjoying life.  My mental illnesses will probably never completely go away this side of Heaven, but I pray to be able to live life to the fullest more in 2018.

Happy New Year, friends!

Mother's Day 2017

This photo represents what Mother's Day means to me this year...

Baby G - Our son or daughter in Heaven who made me a mother. It will be a sad day because we don't have him or her here with us to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  But it will also be a special day because I know our baby is in Heaven and I will remember and celebrate him or her.

My Mother - It will be a sad day because this is the 7th Mother's Day I have spent without her.  It will be a special day because of the memories of the 30 years I had her here on earth to love and celebrate.

Cesar - He may be a chihuahua, but he has also been my sweet baby for almost 10 years now.  He has brought so much comfort and joy to our home.  He has filled a small part of the hole in our family as we have longed for a baby.


The mixed feelings of happiness and sadness can be so difficult on days like this.

Happy Mother's Day to my family and friends!  I join you as you celebrate with your children and parents this weekend. You deserve all of it!

For those of you feeling sadness, I join with you as well.  I am thinking of you and praying for you:

For those who have lost children, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost mothers, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost babies through miscarriage, I remember you.

For those of you struggling with infertility, I remember you.

For those of you who never had a relationship with your mothers or children or have a strained relationship, I remember you.

You are not alone.  You are not forgotten.  On Mother's Day or ever.

March 6, 2017...

Today would have been your due date, Baby G.  How time has flown since we found out about you at 4 weeks, heard your heartbeat twice at 7 1/2 weeks and almost 9 weeks, found out at the 11 1/2 week ultrasound that your heart had stopped beating 2 1/2 weeks earlier at about 9 weeks just after that last heartbeat was heard, and felt the loss as you were taken from my body during what should have been the last few days of the 1st trimester.  

March 6, 2017 ... Back on June 27, 2016 when we found out I was pregnant, today's date seemed like such a long time in the future to have to wait to meet you.  The first thing I did after telling your daddy and calling the fertility clinic, and after my whole body finally stopped shaking so hard, was to look up your due date. Wow, you would be born in 2017, probably late February or early March.  Maybe even on your uncle's birthday, Feb. 22, or your maternal grandparents' anniversary, Feb. 27.  We would find out your gender close to our anniversary in September.  Christmas would be so fun as we prepared for your arrival.  Data and timelines have always been my thing.  I don't know how many times I sat and stared at that list of approximate dates.

I was so impatient for all the milestones of pregnancy and for the day we would see your little face. I have continued counting down these remaining 28 weeks in my head, but besides this date being carved on my heart, now it's really just another day.  No birth announcements or new family photos, no date of induction or contractions and a hurried trip to the hospital.  We never got to have that ultrasound where we found out whether you were a boy or a girl, never got to feel you kick, never had a baby shower.  We just had a date and a strong love for you in our hearts.

I have watched on Facebook as others who were pregnant at the same time have gone on to have healthy babies and others to announce new pregnancies.  Life has flown by, but in a way, mine and your daddy's lives have been on hold since then.  Sometimes those almost 3 months of pregnancy seem like a dream, so surreal.

August 19, 2016 - We were so excited that day.  It was our first appointment with the OB/GYN who would deliver you.  It had been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw you on the screen and heard that precious heart beat at the fertility specialist.  Everything had gone great so far and they had released us to the care of the OB. I had finally let down my guard a little. My HCG and other levels were good, we had seen your picture 3 times and had heard your heartbeat twice. I thought we were almost to the end of the 1st trimester and things seemed to be going so well.

We were scheduled for the ultrasound first before meeting the doctor, and we talked with the technician for awhile as she explained about the practice and answered our questions like when we would do the gender ultrasound and which hospital we should deliver at, so many exciting details.  Then it was time to take a look.  I remember seeing you and knowing right away that something was wrong.  The technician was so quiet and so solemn as she performed what she would later explain to us was a test to see blood flow.  In the most compassionate voice, she showed us where the blood was flowing in my body but none to you.  Your heart was so still and so silent.  She hugged me and told me how sorry she was.  She left us alone for me to get dressed as she went to tell the doctor.  She came back, moved us to another room, and told us the doctor would be in shortly.

Your daddy and I just sat there in that quiet, still exam room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't really talk.  Your daddy kept asking me if I was okay, and all I could really tell him was how numb I felt inside.    Not even really shock, because even though I thought things were good, after we found out, it seemed like I already knew it would happen.  Everything seemed to be in slow motion.  Your daddy felt so helpless and was so concerned about me.  It seemed like we sat there like that for hours.  It was a fairly long wait because the office was busy.

The doctor finally came in and she was so understanding and I absolutely loved her, even though our first meeting was at such a sad time.  We discussed options... Really, I had two.  Because I had a Missed Miscarriage, with no symptoms, my body had yet to realize what it needed to do.  It had already been 2 1/2 weeks with no signs.  I could either wait on my body to finally do what it should whenever that would be, or I could have a D & C.  She recommended having the surgery because it had already been so long and because you were already fairly well-developed.  No miscarriage is ever easy, but when a pregnancy has progressed even that far, it would be physically more traumatic than an early miscarriage.

People had to be told the sad news, and especially since we had told everyone super early, we dreaded it.  But we ended up being glad we did share so early.  We needed that support and prayers.  Everyone was so kind.  They surrounded us with love, prayers, and food. So many people privately shared their own struggles with us, of infertility, miscarriage, loss.  I hope that by telling your story, and about our journey with infertility, that others will also know they are not alone.  1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage in their lives.  I want them to know I understand and that it is okay to grieve.  You are not just a mass of tissue.  You were knit together in my womb.  You had a heartbeat, you had fingerprints and unique DNA.  You matter.

Surgery was scheduled for 5 days later, August 24.  I never did have a single sign that the miscarriage was going to happen.  It was a rough 5 days knowing I still carried you within my body but you were no longer alive.  I had watched all the videos and read all the descriptions of your weekly development.  I knew that at 9 weeks you were a fetus, no longer an embryo, and all of your major organs should have been developed.  I imagined you were perfectly formed, but your little heart had just stopped.  I wondered when it had happened, what I was doing at the time.  It seemed like I should have felt it, should have known somehow.  Then the questions - Did I do anything wrong?  Did I cause this?  Why?  My body seemed to be holding on to you so tightly, even after you were gone, so why couldn't you have lived?

At my surgery follow-up, the doctor explained that test results showed there was no reason I shouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy next time.  Also, because your body had not been alive for over 3 weeks, they were unable to test for your gender.  We will never know, at least while on this earth, if you are a boy or a girl.  I so wanted that closure so I could give you a name, but for some reason it was not to be.

My Necklace with Baby G's Due Date Birthstone for March

There has been grief and will continue to be, but I also know God has been and will always be with us.  There are reasons that only He knows as to why you went to Heaven so early.  I no longer question if it was my fault.  I can't wait to meet you one day, to know your gender, to maybe even say your name, a name perfectly suited to you.  I hope I can look in your eyes and compare your features to mine and your daddy's, to your grandparents and uncle.  Will you have Daddy's reddish-blonde hair or my green eyes?  Will you know just how much you were loved from the moment that pregnancy test showed two lines, and how we prayed for you for long before that time? 

Will you one day have a brother or sister, either biological or adopted?  Only God knows that at this point.  But no matter what happens, thank you for making us parents.  Our lives are forever changed by you, and our love for you will continue all our days and into eternity.

Give your maternal grandparents a hug for us.  Since their deaths, I have regretted they would not be here when you were born. They would have been so proud.  Little did I know that they would actually get to see you first.  I can picture you in their arms... Daddy's big grin beaming down at you and Momma gazing at your sweet features with perfect eyesight - not the blurry view she had for so long here on earth.  

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." - Psalms 139:13-16 NLT

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NLT