March 6, 2017 ... Back on June 27, 2016 when we found out I was pregnant, today's date seemed like such a long time in the future to have to wait to meet you. The first thing I did after telling your daddy and calling the fertility clinic, and after my whole body finally stopped shaking so hard, was to look up your due date. Wow, you would be born in 2017, probably late February or early March. Maybe even on your uncle's birthday, Feb. 22, or your maternal grandparents' anniversary, Feb. 27. We would find out your gender close to our anniversary in September. Christmas would be so fun as we prepared for your arrival. Data and timelines have always been my thing. I don't know how many times I sat and stared at that list of approximate dates.
I was so impatient for all the milestones of pregnancy and for the day we would see your little face. I have continued counting down these remaining 28 weeks in my head, but besides this date being carved on my heart, now it's really just another day. No birth announcements or new family photos, no date of induction or contractions and a hurried trip to the hospital. We never got to have that ultrasound where we found out whether you were a boy or a girl, never got to feel you kick, never had a baby shower. We just had a date and a strong love for you in our hearts.
I have watched on Facebook as others who were pregnant at the same time have gone on to have healthy babies and others to announce new pregnancies. Life has flown by, but in a way, mine and your daddy's lives have been on hold since then. Sometimes those almost 3 months of pregnancy seem like a dream, so surreal.
August 19, 2016 - We were so excited that day. It was our first appointment with the OB/GYN who would deliver you. It had been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw you on the screen and heard that precious heart beat at the fertility specialist. Everything had gone great so far and they had released us to the care of the OB. I had finally let down my guard a little. My HCG and other levels were good, we had seen your picture 3 times and had heard your heartbeat twice. I thought we were almost to the end of the 1st trimester and things seemed to be going so well.
We were scheduled for the ultrasound first before meeting the doctor, and we talked with the technician for awhile as she explained about the practice and answered our questions like when we would do the gender ultrasound and which hospital we should deliver at, so many exciting details. Then it was time to take a look. I remember seeing you and knowing right away that something was wrong. The technician was so quiet and so solemn as she performed what she would later explain to us was a test to see blood flow. In the most compassionate voice, she showed us where the blood was flowing in my body but none to you. Your heart was so still and so silent. She hugged me and told me how sorry she was. She left us alone for me to get dressed as she went to tell the doctor. She came back, moved us to another room, and told us the doctor would be in shortly.
Your daddy and I just sat there in that quiet, still exam room. I couldn't cry, I couldn't really talk. Your daddy kept asking me if I was okay, and all I could really tell him was how numb I felt inside. Not even really shock, because even though I thought things were good, after we found out, it seemed like I already knew it would happen. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Your daddy felt so helpless and was so concerned about me. It seemed like we sat there like that for hours. It was a fairly long wait because the office was busy.
The doctor finally came in and she was so understanding and I absolutely loved her, even though our first meeting was at such a sad time. We discussed options... Really, I had two. Because I had a Missed Miscarriage, with no symptoms, my body had yet to realize what it needed to do. It had already been 2 1/2 weeks with no signs. I could either wait on my body to finally do what it should whenever that would be, or I could have a D & C. She recommended having the surgery because it had already been so long and because you were already fairly well-developed. No miscarriage is ever easy, but when a pregnancy has progressed even that far, it would be physically more traumatic than an early miscarriage.
People had to be told the sad news, and especially since we had told everyone super early, we dreaded it. But we ended up being glad we did share so early. We needed that support and prayers. Everyone was so kind. They surrounded us with love, prayers, and food. So many people privately shared their own struggles with us, of infertility, miscarriage, loss. I hope that by telling your story, and about our journey with infertility, that others will also know they are not alone. 1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage in their lives. I want them to know I understand and that it is okay to grieve. You are not just a mass of tissue. You were knit together in my womb. You had a heartbeat, you had fingerprints and unique DNA. You matter.
Surgery was scheduled for 5 days later, August 24. I never did have a single sign that the miscarriage was going to happen. It was a rough 5 days knowing I still carried you within my body but you were no longer alive. I had watched all the videos and read all the descriptions of your weekly development. I knew that at 9 weeks you were a fetus, no longer an embryo, and all of your major organs should have been developed. I imagined you were perfectly formed, but your little heart had just stopped. I wondered when it had happened, what I was doing at the time. It seemed like I should have felt it, should have known somehow. Then the questions - Did I do anything wrong? Did I cause this? Why? My body seemed to be holding on to you so tightly, even after you were gone, so why couldn't you have lived?
At my surgery follow-up, the doctor explained that test results showed there was no reason I shouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy next time. Also, because your body had not been alive for over 3 weeks, they were unable to test for your gender. We will never know, at least while on this earth, if you are a boy or a girl. I so wanted that closure so I could give you a name, but for some reason it was not to be.
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| My Necklace with Baby G's Due Date Birthstone for March |
There has been grief and will continue to be, but I also know God has been and will always be with us. There are reasons that only He knows as to why you went to Heaven so early. I no longer question if it was my fault. I can't wait to meet you one day, to know your gender, to maybe even say your name, a name perfectly suited to you. I hope I can look in your eyes and compare your features to mine and your daddy's, to your grandparents and uncle. Will you have Daddy's reddish-blonde hair or my green eyes? Will you know just how much you were loved from the moment that pregnancy test showed two lines, and how we prayed for you for long before that time?
Will you one day have a brother or sister, either biological or adopted? Only God knows that at this point. But no matter what happens, thank you for making us parents. Our lives are forever changed by you, and our love for you will continue all our days and into eternity.
Give your maternal grandparents a hug for us. Since their deaths, I have regretted they would not be here when you were born. They would have been so proud. Little did I know that they would actually get to see you first. I can picture you in their arms... Daddy's big grin beaming down at you and Momma gazing at your sweet features with perfect eyesight - not the blurry view she had for so long here on earth.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." - Psalms 139:13-16 NLT
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NLT
