2017 in Review

There are less than 2 hours of 2017 left as I sit here reflecting on the past year and on the one rapidly approaching.  2017 flew by.  It is amazing how fast time really does fly the older you get.  I will be 37 in 2 weeks.  I know I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore either. Lol

There was so much I wanted to accomplish in 2017 that didn't happen.  But I also have to remember that a lot of healing did take place this year.  Seth and I have had a rough several years, and I need to remember to give myself a break and the time to slow down, to process, to breathe, to heal.  Time passes fast, but grief and healing, as well as anxiety and depression, follow no time-table, calendar, or clock.

March 6th was the due date of our baby who didn't make it to see 2017.  We watched Mother's Day and Father's Day pass with empty arms.  I suffered a very low time of severe depression in the middle of the year, probably more severe than most people realized.  Seth was very worried and my psychiatrist was concerned.  Then I experienced an allergic reaction to newly prescribed Prozac and had to switch meds without tapering.  It was a rough time for me, and for Seth, but God saw us through.  I slowly improved again.

I was able to join the staff at Essential Church as a volunteer member.  Much of the last part of the year has been spent in the church office, working from home, or on staff trips.  This has been such a blessing for me.  A part-time job with responsibilities, but without the complete responsibility of a paying job.  It has been challenging in a good way and has helped me feel like I am contributing to life again.

We are so thankful for our family and our church family.  Friendships have been made and have gotten stronger this year.

Seth and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  He understands me like no one else ever could.  He takes care of me, protects me, encourages me, loves me.  He is still my forever love and best friend.

We still don't feel like we have a clear answer from God on whether to pursue getting pregnant again.  My biological clock is ticking....lol. But we are continuing to pray and wait for answers.  And I am praying to be content with whatever that answer is.

My hopes for 2018 are better health for both of us, less stress, and much more traveling and enjoying life.  My mental illnesses will probably never completely go away this side of Heaven, but I pray to be able to live life to the fullest more in 2018.

Happy New Year, friends!

Why Psalm 139 Means More To Me Now...

I've always thought the words of Psalm 139:1-18 are so poetic, so beautiful.  It's always been one of my favorite psalms and has always made me feel so intimately connected to God.  He knows everything about me, and He still loves me enough that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me.

In the last year, this psalm has also come to mean something else to me.  For those of you who don't know, Seth and I lost our first child to miscarriage last year at 9 weeks.  It's been a rough year.  March 6th was difficult because that was his or her due date.  This past week was difficult because we found out I was pregnant 1 year ago on June 27th.

But this psalm has brought me comfort this year because I read it through the eyes of my baby now. God was with our baby as his or her heart started beating, as the organs formed and grew, and then when that tiny little heart stopped beating.  I know that he or she is deeply loved by God and I believe is in Heaven right now and we will meet him or her one day.

It also brings me comfort to read this psalm about myself now in a different way - to read it through the lens of grief.  I know that God knows all about the grief that Seth and I are going through, and He is right there with us in it.  In my every waking thought, in my every nightmare or sleepless night. When I don't know what to pray, He knows.  In this world we have to go through pain, but He will never, ever leave me.  He will never leave any of us.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Some Scattered Thoughts...from 2011

On this Father's Day, I thought I would post one more note I wrote after Daddy passed away in 2011.

"Two weeks and two days since Daddy has been in Heaven... the more time that passes, the more it hurts.  At first I just saw him in that hospital bed and his body slowly shutting down... and I just wanted him to be at peace.  Now that I'm away from the hospital atmosphere, I see him in so many places I go and things I do... Here at home napping in his recliner, going out to eat, working in his garden, greeting customers at Wal-Mart, teasing me.  When he was well and happy.  That is the man I miss.  I cherish the photos and the memories.  I am so thankful for being able to take care of him and Momma so closely.  I love that Daddy and I could be there for each other through the pain of Momma's death.  We were able to discuss our feelings but also share our good memories and laugh together.  I am so glad to have shared the Gatlinburg trip with him in March.  I am so grateful for the memories his co-workers and old friends have shared with me of the man he was when he was away from me.

Air Force - late 1950s

At the time, it felt like Daddy's illness in the hospital lasted forever, but it was really so sudden and unexpected.  The brevity of life, as well as the closeness of Heaven, has never been more real to me.  With both Daddy and Momma and despite the differences in their illnesses, I witnessed the process of God orchestrating the transition between life and death.  I can't really explain it, but how He allowed them to let go, how He arranged our conversations and last moments together, how He prepared all of our hearts.  It was amazing to see them so close to death and at the same time so peaceful and ready to go.

Christmas Eve 1995

Seth and I can look back now and although we knew Daddy was sad after Momma was gone, we can see now how depressed he was without her.  I believe God kept Daddy strong for Momma and then he allowed Daddy's health to decline so they could be together again.  Daddy had prostate cancer for over 10 years, but it didn't become aggressive until recently.  I think He knew Momma couldn't have handled Daddy going first.  Of course, these are all speculations and I won't know until I get there, too, but it is amazing how despite our grief, God has comforted us with some insights into the mystery of death and of Heaven.  Just tiny, tiny glimpses into His handiwork. I also know that because of their relationships with Christ, Momma and Daddy are both not just "dead".  That thought is so final, cold, and empty.  They are so far from "dead".  They are rejoicing forever with Jesus!

Mom and Dad with Newborn Debra - January 1981

Next to God, Seth fills the biggest part of my heart.  But there are also two holes there now that feel so empty... ones that only Momma and Daddy could or ever will be able to fill.  I know the hurt and pain will diminish over time, but that emptiness will always remain... on this earth anyway.  Until God takes me home... Because there is HOPE and JOY in the morning!"

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written September 18, 2011

"...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." - Psalm 30:5b NIV

Daddy's Bedside

Here is a note I wrote during Daddy's illness.  Thank you, God, for the strength you gave Seth and me to do what we needed to do during this time.  Thank you for my life with this sweet, southern gentleman.

 Senior football - Altoona High 1954

"I know without a doubt that God has given me the strength that only comes from Him to make it through this situation with Daddy. I could not have made it through even one day without His strength and peace. But I feel like I get into a routine of hospital visits, phone calls, doctor questions, paperwork to be filled out, and just putting one foot in front of the other.  So sometimes sitting here by his hospital bed in the quiet and stillness of the night, I feel like I am in a bad dream.  I look at Daddy and almost don't recognize his frail body and pale, sunken face. It feels too much like 7-8 short months ago with Momma. Sometimes I even look at him and see her lying in that bed.

Daddy and me - 1981

It's not my Daddy with the thin, bruised arms that keep jerking. It's certainly not his lungs rattling when he breathes. How could my 6' 3" tall father who weighed 225 pounds a few short weeks ago be less than 180 now?

I sit here and wonder where his mind is now.  Is he just sleeping and dreaming, reliving old memories, or maybe has God allowed his mind to see his future of Heaven?  Does he know his body is lingering here but that shortly he will see Jesus?

Daddy in Gatlinburg - March 2011

I sit here so thankful for the special goodbyes we were able to say to each other a few days ago. Not a permanent farewell but a "see you one day soon" with Momma there too.

I also sit here thankful that when he was still awake that he wasn't dwelling on his situation but he seemed to be enjoying wherever he was in his mind while in the state we call dementia. He was laughing and singing and didn't seem to recognize the pain that cancer can do to a body.

I fully believe God is and has been protecting him, just like He did Momma, until he is totally "absent from the body and present with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:8).  I definitely don't have these answers but I am so thankful that the One who does is holding my Daddy close to His side."

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written August 27, 2011
(6 days before Daddy passed away)

Father's Day 2017

As a tribute to my father for Father's Day, I thought I would share what I wrote to go in his Memorial Service Program in September 2011.  I miss you, Daddy!

"My father, Malcolm Dean Thomas, was born September 6, 1935, in a house on Meighan Boulevard in Attalla, Alabama. Almost 76 years later, he passed away just down the same road at Gadsden Regional Medical Center in Gadsden, Alabama.  But the years in between were filled with the full life of a quiet, gentle man who was bigger than life to me.

Daddy’s parents raised him and his younger brother, Deward, in the rural community of Moody’s Chapel in the town of Altoona, Alabama.  Daddy was three years older than Uncle Deward and opposite in personality.  Daddy was the quiet, serious one while Uncle Deward was mischievous and outgoing.  A tragic farming accident and not his job as an Etowah County Sheriff’s Deputy, cut Uncle Deward’s life short in 1972 at the age of 33.  Daddy and my grandfather discovered the accident and Daddy had nightmares about it the rest of his life.

Daddy joined the United States Air Force not long after graduating from Altoona High School.  He spent close to 10 years in the service stationed from Florida to Alaska.  He went on to have many different jobs including working in an ice cream factory, working at the Russell Cave National Monument, delivering propane gas, and he spent about 18 years working in the shop at Bowman Truck Lines in Birmingham.  His last job was as a Greeter for 16 years in the Garden Center at Boaz Wal-Mart.  He worked hard his entire life and was still employed, on a leave of absence, at the time of his death.

Daddy married my mother, Shirley, in 1960, and they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 2010 before Momma passed away in January of this year.  Daddy followed her to Heaven just 7 months and 2 days later.  I was born in 1981 after Daddy and Momma had been married for 21 years and had given up on ever having children.  I could not have asked for more loving and dedicated parents.

Daddy enjoyed gardening, fishing, Alabama football, and drinking coffee.  He was a man of few words but he could tease with the best of them once he got to know you.  He was extremely friendly and his go-to phrase was, “Y’all go with us”.  He was a caring, dedicated husband and took care of Momma for several years after her health started declining.  He has left behind a legacy of kindness and love.  A lot of employees at the hospital remember the many nights he would come straight to the hospital from working at Wal-Mart, sleep on the cot beside her bed, and then leave the next day to get ready for work again.  He also left a legacy of kindness to his customers and fellow associates at Wal-Mart.  I’ve heard comments such as, “He was always smiling” and “You can’t find a better man than that”. I know I am extremely proud and thankful to be his daughter.

More important than any other relationship, my Daddy had a saving relationship with Jesus and it showed in his attitude and countenance.  Today as we bury my Daddy on his birthday, he has celebrated another kind of birth day.  I know without a doubt that he is in Heaven with Jesus right now.  He is finally able to rest and he is free from the pain of cancer.  I believe he is reunited with his precious wife, as well as the brother with whom he never had a change to say goodbye.  Only because of the sacrifice of Jesus who died for our sins and my own relationship with Jesus, I have the amazing hope and anticipation of seeing my Daddy, as well as my Momma, again.  Instead of sickness and pain, one day I will see the radiance of Heaven on their faces and will be able to spend eternity with them there."

                                                                                                 - Debra Thomas Graybeal



“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NIV

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 NLT

True Heroes

Seth took this photo tonight at a local restaurant.  It really touched both of us.  It may be hard to see, but sitting in a booth across from us were 2 older gentlemen and an older lady.

Seth had already pointed out that both of the men were wearing World War II hats, but a little later on we saw the lady on the left of this photo walk over to them and introduce her grandson, the little boy standing next to her.  He had been learning about WWII and was fascinated with it.  We couldn't hear all of the conversation, but we could tell both of the men were explaining their roles and patiently answering the little boy's questions.  They were still sitting there talking a while later when we left.

In a world of fictional superheroes and famous actors/musicians/sports "heroes", this little boy realizes who our true HEROES are.

Thank you to the grandmother, the veterans, and this sweet little boy for proving that respect for our military is still being taught and learned.  God Bless America.

Mother's Day 2017

This photo represents what Mother's Day means to me this year...

Baby G - Our son or daughter in Heaven who made me a mother. It will be a sad day because we don't have him or her here with us to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  But it will also be a special day because I know our baby is in Heaven and I will remember and celebrate him or her.

My Mother - It will be a sad day because this is the 7th Mother's Day I have spent without her.  It will be a special day because of the memories of the 30 years I had her here on earth to love and celebrate.

Cesar - He may be a chihuahua, but he has also been my sweet baby for almost 10 years now.  He has brought so much comfort and joy to our home.  He has filled a small part of the hole in our family as we have longed for a baby.


The mixed feelings of happiness and sadness can be so difficult on days like this.

Happy Mother's Day to my family and friends!  I join you as you celebrate with your children and parents this weekend. You deserve all of it!

For those of you feeling sadness, I join with you as well.  I am thinking of you and praying for you:

For those who have lost children, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost mothers, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost babies through miscarriage, I remember you.

For those of you struggling with infertility, I remember you.

For those of you who never had a relationship with your mothers or children or have a strained relationship, I remember you.

You are not alone.  You are not forgotten.  On Mother's Day or ever.

March 6, 2017...

Today would have been your due date, Baby G.  How time has flown since we found out about you at 4 weeks, heard your heartbeat twice at 7 1/2 weeks and almost 9 weeks, found out at the 11 1/2 week ultrasound that your heart had stopped beating 2 1/2 weeks earlier at about 9 weeks just after that last heartbeat was heard, and felt the loss as you were taken from my body during what should have been the last few days of the 1st trimester.  

March 6, 2017 ... Back on June 27, 2016 when we found out I was pregnant, today's date seemed like such a long time in the future to have to wait to meet you.  The first thing I did after telling your daddy and calling the fertility clinic, and after my whole body finally stopped shaking so hard, was to look up your due date. Wow, you would be born in 2017, probably late February or early March.  Maybe even on your uncle's birthday, Feb. 22, or your maternal grandparents' anniversary, Feb. 27.  We would find out your gender close to our anniversary in September.  Christmas would be so fun as we prepared for your arrival.  Data and timelines have always been my thing.  I don't know how many times I sat and stared at that list of approximate dates.

I was so impatient for all the milestones of pregnancy and for the day we would see your little face. I have continued counting down these remaining 28 weeks in my head, but besides this date being carved on my heart, now it's really just another day.  No birth announcements or new family photos, no date of induction or contractions and a hurried trip to the hospital.  We never got to have that ultrasound where we found out whether you were a boy or a girl, never got to feel you kick, never had a baby shower.  We just had a date and a strong love for you in our hearts.

I have watched on Facebook as others who were pregnant at the same time have gone on to have healthy babies and others to announce new pregnancies.  Life has flown by, but in a way, mine and your daddy's lives have been on hold since then.  Sometimes those almost 3 months of pregnancy seem like a dream, so surreal.

August 19, 2016 - We were so excited that day.  It was our first appointment with the OB/GYN who would deliver you.  It had been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw you on the screen and heard that precious heart beat at the fertility specialist.  Everything had gone great so far and they had released us to the care of the OB. I had finally let down my guard a little. My HCG and other levels were good, we had seen your picture 3 times and had heard your heartbeat twice. I thought we were almost to the end of the 1st trimester and things seemed to be going so well.

We were scheduled for the ultrasound first before meeting the doctor, and we talked with the technician for awhile as she explained about the practice and answered our questions like when we would do the gender ultrasound and which hospital we should deliver at, so many exciting details.  Then it was time to take a look.  I remember seeing you and knowing right away that something was wrong.  The technician was so quiet and so solemn as she performed what she would later explain to us was a test to see blood flow.  In the most compassionate voice, she showed us where the blood was flowing in my body but none to you.  Your heart was so still and so silent.  She hugged me and told me how sorry she was.  She left us alone for me to get dressed as she went to tell the doctor.  She came back, moved us to another room, and told us the doctor would be in shortly.

Your daddy and I just sat there in that quiet, still exam room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't really talk.  Your daddy kept asking me if I was okay, and all I could really tell him was how numb I felt inside.    Not even really shock, because even though I thought things were good, after we found out, it seemed like I already knew it would happen.  Everything seemed to be in slow motion.  Your daddy felt so helpless and was so concerned about me.  It seemed like we sat there like that for hours.  It was a fairly long wait because the office was busy.

The doctor finally came in and she was so understanding and I absolutely loved her, even though our first meeting was at such a sad time.  We discussed options... Really, I had two.  Because I had a Missed Miscarriage, with no symptoms, my body had yet to realize what it needed to do.  It had already been 2 1/2 weeks with no signs.  I could either wait on my body to finally do what it should whenever that would be, or I could have a D & C.  She recommended having the surgery because it had already been so long and because you were already fairly well-developed.  No miscarriage is ever easy, but when a pregnancy has progressed even that far, it would be physically more traumatic than an early miscarriage.

People had to be told the sad news, and especially since we had told everyone super early, we dreaded it.  But we ended up being glad we did share so early.  We needed that support and prayers.  Everyone was so kind.  They surrounded us with love, prayers, and food. So many people privately shared their own struggles with us, of infertility, miscarriage, loss.  I hope that by telling your story, and about our journey with infertility, that others will also know they are not alone.  1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage in their lives.  I want them to know I understand and that it is okay to grieve.  You are not just a mass of tissue.  You were knit together in my womb.  You had a heartbeat, you had fingerprints and unique DNA.  You matter.

Surgery was scheduled for 5 days later, August 24.  I never did have a single sign that the miscarriage was going to happen.  It was a rough 5 days knowing I still carried you within my body but you were no longer alive.  I had watched all the videos and read all the descriptions of your weekly development.  I knew that at 9 weeks you were a fetus, no longer an embryo, and all of your major organs should have been developed.  I imagined you were perfectly formed, but your little heart had just stopped.  I wondered when it had happened, what I was doing at the time.  It seemed like I should have felt it, should have known somehow.  Then the questions - Did I do anything wrong?  Did I cause this?  Why?  My body seemed to be holding on to you so tightly, even after you were gone, so why couldn't you have lived?

At my surgery follow-up, the doctor explained that test results showed there was no reason I shouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy next time.  Also, because your body had not been alive for over 3 weeks, they were unable to test for your gender.  We will never know, at least while on this earth, if you are a boy or a girl.  I so wanted that closure so I could give you a name, but for some reason it was not to be.

My Necklace with Baby G's Due Date Birthstone for March

There has been grief and will continue to be, but I also know God has been and will always be with us.  There are reasons that only He knows as to why you went to Heaven so early.  I no longer question if it was my fault.  I can't wait to meet you one day, to know your gender, to maybe even say your name, a name perfectly suited to you.  I hope I can look in your eyes and compare your features to mine and your daddy's, to your grandparents and uncle.  Will you have Daddy's reddish-blonde hair or my green eyes?  Will you know just how much you were loved from the moment that pregnancy test showed two lines, and how we prayed for you for long before that time? 

Will you one day have a brother or sister, either biological or adopted?  Only God knows that at this point.  But no matter what happens, thank you for making us parents.  Our lives are forever changed by you, and our love for you will continue all our days and into eternity.

Give your maternal grandparents a hug for us.  Since their deaths, I have regretted they would not be here when you were born. They would have been so proud.  Little did I know that they would actually get to see you first.  I can picture you in their arms... Daddy's big grin beaming down at you and Momma gazing at your sweet features with perfect eyesight - not the blurry view she had for so long here on earth.  

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." - Psalms 139:13-16 NLT

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NLT

57 Years Ago...

February 27, 1960, 57 years ago today, 19 - year - old Shirley Jean Potts and 24 - year - old Malcolm Dean Thomas were married in a small ceremony in Memphis,  Tennessee.

Mom and Dad - 2/27/60

The couple had met on a blind date 2 years earlier. Malcolm, originally from Alabama, was in the military stationed at Eglin Air Force Base in Florida and he happened to go home with a buddy on leave to Memphis.  They needed another girl for a double date, so the buddy asked his next - door neighbor, Shirley, to join them.

Love Letters Dad sent Mom - 1959-60

Many letters and a few hitchhiking trips to Memphis later, the two were married and began their life together in Florida. Then on to Alaska when the air force sent them there.  After several years of service, Malcolm was discharged and they settled in his hometown of Altoona, Alabama.  Fast forward to 1981 and their only child, a daughter, was born. They named her Debra.  :)

After living a simple, unsophisticated life together, full of hard work and their share of hardships, Malcolm and Shirley both passed away in 2011 after 50 years of marriage.

The ending to their story may not have always been "happily ever after", but Malcolm and Shirley left a beautiful legacy.... One of faith in God, devotion to their family and friends, and the kind of love and dedication to each other that means more to me than any fairy tale ever could.

Mom and Dad - Jan 2008

Happy Anniversary in Heaven, Daddy and Momma.

To Prozac or Not to Prozac...

So I went to see my psychiatrist almost a month ago.  My depression has been worse lately, so she thought it was time for a med change.  I had been taking Zoloft at a maxed-out dose for a few years now and maybe it had stopped being as effective.  She gave me a couple of choices and we decided on Prozac, which I had never taken before.  She gave me a schedule of increasing Prozac and decreasing Zoloft for several weeks.

I left feeling glad to have a plan and hope of things getting better, but also a huge sense of dread.  Anyone who is familiar with either stopping or changing psych meds will tell you it is no fun at all.  That's really putting it mildly.  There are withdrawal symptoms to deal with no matter how slowly you taper the withdrawal... some meds much worse than others.  Then at the same time there is a huge possibility of side effects with the new med, possible interactions with other meds, etc.  They all react differently for each person. 

So when you encounter a side effect, there are decisions to make. Is it a withdrawal symptom of the old med or a side effect of the new one?   Is it a side effect you can live with if it never gets better?  Is it one you can deal with if it only lasts a few weeks?  What if you push through and suffer through just for things to not work out with the med and you have to start all over... again?

I started itching soon after changing meds, but I decided to push through.  I was also dealing with some stomach issues, pretty bad headaches, some soreness, a lot of depression, and worsening of some types of my anxiety.  But thankfully, no brain zaps, which can be a big withdrawal symptom.  (Effexor can be a huge cause, and yes, I know from experience!)  But things seemed to get a little better or at least stayed fairly stable for a couple of weeks, even though a couple of red spots appeared on my back.  I started to get a little nervous since I don't usually deal with many skin issues.  But maybe it was just a coincidence and was just a couple of pimples.  

Then this Tuesday, my schedule was to increase Prozac and decrease the Zoloft again.  The last couple of days things have escalated rapidly.  The itching is pretty bad and more welts appeared... I now have my first ever case of hives.  Yay... (That was sarcastic, by the way!) 😊  

I called my psychiatrist today and she does believe the Prozac is the cause.  I am to stop it and take Benadryl for a few days so hopefully the hives will go away.  Then I will start a new med next week.  We're going with Lexapro this time, which I was on for several years with no issues, and hopefully will work again.  Adding Prozac to my "can't take" list!

So now I get the fun experience of watching for signs of Serotonin Syndrome due to so many meds in my system, while trying to balance keeping enough in my system to not mentally spiral downward any further. Serotonin Syndrome is when you have too much Serotonin in your system and can be fatal if not treated.  Nausea, vomiting, shaking, and fever are some of the symptoms.

Prayers are appreciated.  Hopefully the Prozac was the culprit, the Benadryl and stopping the Prozac will help my reaction (and all the itching!!!!), the Lexapro won't cause issues and will end up helping, I won't have issues with too much Serotonin but will have enough to keep me as level as possible until my next appointment. Prayers also that I will have the strength and patience for starting over again.  

Frozen in Time

Another writing soon after Mom's passing...

- Written June 23, 2011,
by Debra Graybeal


It's been over 4 1/2 months since Momma took her last painful breath on this earth, and in the blink of an eye, was in the glorious presence of Jesus.  As I've said all along, grief has been an odd companion for me.  It has hit me at the strangest times.  I can go for days, and lately even weeks, without the grief being unbearable.  But then out of the blue, my heart will hurt so bad, like a knife through my chest.

Mom - age 19

Daddy and I have gotten into a routine of sorts.  We find comfort in talking about her, in joking about her, and making sure we include her memory in our plans.  What would she think or say about doing this or going here?  We really enjoy recounting stories from years past. I think I could talk about her for hours.  But yet... I can't touch or even look at her clothes or other possessions.  I'm not sure how long it will take me before I can finally go through them.

At times, I find myself so happy for her.  I know how much she suffered, especially during the last few years.  She was one of the strongest people I have met,or will probably ever meet.  Even during her most intense, painful and scary moments, if she was conscious, she would always  be able to find a smile, a kind word, sometimes even a joke, for the people around her... nurses, aides, doctors, anyone that was around.  She would thank them all, even when they had to bring her more pain.  So, I find myself wondering what she is doing in Heaven.  Is she dancing, singing, spending time with her loved ones that had gone on before?  Once legally blind, her eyes can now see perfectly.  Once she struggled for a deep breath, or sometimes any kind of breath, but now she has no pain and everything functions perfectly.  No worries!

At times, I am just thankful for the 30 years I had her with me on this earth.  With all of her health problems, sometimes I wondered if I would make it to adulthood before she had to leave me.  I'm so thankful because she saw me graduate high school, saw me walk down the aisle to be wed, and grew to love her son-in-law almost as much as me.  She did not get to meet her grandchildren, but if we are able to have children one day, I believe she will be smiling down on them from Heaven.  She was able to celebrate 50 years of marriage to her one and only.  She was always my loving mother, but after I grew up, she was also one of my closest friends.  Then during the last several years, the tables turned, and I took care of her.

Lately, I have times where I find myself longing for just one more hug... to bend over and put my head on her chest, fill my lungs with her calming, comforting scent.  I want to look into her eyes and see again how much she loves me.  I want to hear her voice... the one that sang her special song for me (You Are My Sunshine), the one that teased me and everyone else.  I want to hold her hand... the hand that became crippled with arthritis, but for so many nights rocked me to sleep.

Helping Mom Do Dishes

Even though several people have told me I look a lot like Momma, I've never really thought so.  Tonight at dinner, I laughed and my mother-in-law told me that I looked just like Momma for a few moments.  I realized how proud that makes me... because I know I will always carry part of her, not only in my heart and mind, but also on my face.... maybe a tiny glimpse of her beautiful smile and laughter... frozen in time.

Lessons in Homemaking and Life

The following was written almost 6 years ago while dealing with the grief of losing my mother.  I think it is also timely due to the current feminist debate.  I'm not posting this to try to contribute to that debate, but it touches on some of my non-feminist views.  

Lessons in Homemaking and Life

Mom while pregnant with me.

I was going through some recipes of my Momma's earlier and just broke down at the sight of her handwriting.  I'm telling you, it's the weirdest, smallest things that make me break down.  Seeing her handwriting on those browned, worn-out recipe cards made me remember all the good times when she would bake - family reunions, holiday dinners. It also made me happy to think about how much she enjoyed cooking, baking, being a hostess, and just being a housewife in general.

Mom went to beauty school and became a beautician right before she married Daddy in her late teen years.  She worked at beauty shops for several years back then and a couple of other short-term jobs later on, but for the majority of their marriage and definitely after I came along, she was a stay-at-home wife and mother.

As I was growing up, I had NO desire whatsoever to learn to cook, sew, or any of the other housekeeping type of activities.  I did well in school and graduated Valedictorian of my high school class.  I wanted to "go places" and be a doctor (Optometrist) or a computer programmer or several other different careers that  I spent all of high school and three years of college trying to decide on!  I pretty much brushed Mom off when she tried to show me things here and there.  I hated housework (that is pretty much still the same! lol) and was always impatient to get back to whatever book I was reading at the time.  Patience is not my strong point!

I finally settled (and I do mean settled) on a career of teaching high school English Language Arts.  I then proceeded to  drop out of college after three years because I realized my personality was not suited at all to being a teacher.  I went to work full-time, got married, and slowly, slowly began to change my outlook on being a homemaker.  I began learning to cook on my own, and over time it has grown to be a strong passion of mine.  

After dropping out of college, and as a result, losing my scholarship, I struggled with the goals I had set for myself and the goals others had assumed for me.  I felt like I had failed in some ways and failed some people, and maybe I should have went ahead, stuck it out, and gotten SOME type of degree just to have reached that milestone in life, but I believe God and I have worked out those issues for the most part.  I don't know what the future holds, hopefully children one day, and maybe it holds a degree in culinary somewhere down the line. :)  I long to use my baking as a ministry to reach others and also possibly a career down the road a few miles.  I certainly would not discourage anyone from getting a college degree.  Our finances can testify to that, especially now that I'm not working at all. :)  But Seth is good at his job (computer programmer/ web designer), and God knew that I would have to be a caregiver to my parents down the road.  What would I have done with a high-maintenance career then? 

I said all of that to say this.  lol  I realize now what a special, important, and fulfilling job it is to be a homemaker - to take care of your family. I wish I had WANTED to learn to cook and sew and all the homemaker-type of things Momma tried to show me when I was younger.  I could have learned so many lessons back then... how to can and "put up" food, make clothes... so many things!  At that point, I thought I wanted to be a career woman. :)  Thought being the key word.

At least Mom did get to see some of my passion for cooking develop over the last few years.  One of the last memories I have of Momma before she got so sick the last time was of her sitting in the kitchen last Thanksgiving (2010) telling me how to make dressing and gravy. She even had us help her stand up in front of the stove (without her oxygen) so she could show me how to make the roux for the gravy.  That was the first time she had done anything in the kitchen in several years.  I take some comfort in knowing that she enjoyed that day and the fact that she was finally able to teach me some of the things she had tried so hard to do in the past.

Mom and Me.

Looking back over my life, I have done so many things impulsively and impatiently.  I have done things MY way and not asked God for His opinion. :)  I know that God has taken care of me all of these years and ultimately that He has blessed me with so many people and things that I don't deserve.  He has taken care of me - despite ME.  But I also know that I could have done things easier, without so much heartache, regret, and guilt, if I had been in the Word more, prayed more, and actually waited and listened for God's reply before I moved forward.  I am trying to do these things now and I still struggle a lot with my patience, but God is with me.  With my cooperation, He is slowly changing me to be more like Jesus.  I sure do have a LONG way to go and I fail all the time, but it feels so good to be moving forward and not to be in that old rut any longer!



"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5 NIV (Jesus speaking)

"Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did." - 1 John 2:6 NIV

"But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge]." - Galatians 5:22-23 Amplified Bible

"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles ;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31 ESV

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him." - Psalm 37:7a NIV

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." - Psalm 27:14 NIV

- Debra Graybeal,

written April 10, 2011.

Moonlight Ramblings

I have been looking at some things I've written in the past, especially during the illnesses and deaths of my parents.  Since one of my life experiences that I want to share with you is grief, I thought I would share some of those writings here.

We are approaching the anniversary of Mom's death, so I thought this one would be a good place to start.  I wrote this close to 6 years ago.  She had been gone almost 2 months at that time.


Moonlight Ramblings

As I was looking at the "bright, close" moon tonight, it made me think of my Momma and made me miss her even more.  I don't really know why.  It's not like we had any special "moon" memories together.  But as I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a couple of possible reasons.

For one, maybe it's because I'm not able to share this special event with her.  Even though she was legally blind and couldn't see well at all for the last 15 or so years of her life and couldn't have actually seen the moon tonight, I always enjoyed telling her about things and describing them to her.  We talked about everything... big and small.

For another, I think its because as I gazed at the spectacular sky, it reminded me of its spectacular maker, God, and this made me think that Mom is with Him tonight.  Now don't get me wrong, this is an AWESOME reality and makes me SO happy! That knowledge is what has gotten me through this.  I know she is in Heaven and no longer in pain.  She can see; she can walk or run!  She's not having panic attacks or worrying.  

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelation 21:4 NIV

But... because she is with Him tonight... she seems very far away and she's not with ME.

Mom and Me - Easter 1981

Seth patiently listens as I've talked to him about my thoughts over the last couple of months when the sadness just gets overwhelming.  As I was talking to him tonight while standing on the front porch looking at that moon, I told him that it's just so weird for me not to be able to communicate with her anymore.  I know that sounds goofy because I mentally know that, and I've never had that feeling when anyone else I've known has passed away.  But she was my Momma... the one who took care of me at the beginning of our relationship and was taken care of by me at the end. All during that time, I either saw her every day or at least talked to her on the phone several times a day.  We were extremely close.  For the first time in my 30 years, I can't do anything to communicate with her.  I can't call her; I can't drive to see her at home or at the hospital.  I know she is gone, but it still seems like I should be able to do SOMETHING to be with her.  This is not one of those things you think you will feel when someone passes away.

I can communicate with God.  I can pray to Him at any time and in any place.  Even though I can't physically call Him or drive to see Him, I know He is with me,the Holy Spirit is inside me, always. PRAISE HIM for that!

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever-- The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you." - John 14:16-17 Amplified Bible

But... Mom is with God tonight and I can communicate with God, but I can't communicate with her.  I guess that's the point I've been trying to make.  Maybe this is the reason people try to "communicate with dead people" and all of that stuff because it is so hard to let go of that communication. That's certainly not what I want to do!  I do not feel like that is Biblical and I certainly don't want to get mixed up in that stuff!  That is a whole other subject and one that I am not qualified to speak on! But I can kind of see the reason behind why some do it now.

Do I think she can see me "down" here on earth from where she is in Heaven?  I don't have a clue.  Do I want her to be able to know my thoughts and feelings with her perfect mind and body?  To see my every failure and petty sin?  That could be scary.  I don't know these things and probably won't know until I have a perfect mind and body myself.  Then I believe I will see my Momma again.  When we are both WHOLE and NEW.  What a wonderful reunion that will be!

"For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully  and clearly known and understood [by God]." - 1 Corinthians 13:12 Amplified Bible

I have been able to see God's hands guiding the process of her passing every step of the way.  He has shown Himself to Seth and I over and over and more fully than I have ever felt His presence before.  It is an amazing feeling in the midst of all the sadness and grief.  But my human mind still feels that grief and sometimes it gets very strong.... at the weirdest times usually!  The "peace that passes all understanding" has gotten me through this time, though.  I don't understand how people without the Holy Spirit can make it through these times, or any times really.  God has also given me Seth, who couldn't have been a better helpmate and partner.  He has also given me such wonderful family and friends who have been there for me through it all.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7 NIV

"Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4 NIV


"Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep [in death], that you may not grieve [for them] as the rest do who have no hope [beyond the grave]." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 Amplified Bible

So do I miss my Momma like crazy at time?  Do I have questions about Heaven and her being there?  Do I still want to tell her things all the time?  You bet!  But above all, I want her to be exactly where she is right now.  To be with Jesus... to be waiting there for me when my time comes and when we, along with Daddy and Seth, will be together, forever.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." - 1 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV

- Debra Graybeal,
written March 20, 2011