Frozen in Time

Another writing soon after Mom's passing...

- Written June 23, 2011,
by Debra Graybeal


It's been over 4 1/2 months since Momma took her last painful breath on this earth, and in the blink of an eye, was in the glorious presence of Jesus.  As I've said all along, grief has been an odd companion for me.  It has hit me at the strangest times.  I can go for days, and lately even weeks, without the grief being unbearable.  But then out of the blue, my heart will hurt so bad, like a knife through my chest.

Mom - age 19

Daddy and I have gotten into a routine of sorts.  We find comfort in talking about her, in joking about her, and making sure we include her memory in our plans.  What would she think or say about doing this or going here?  We really enjoy recounting stories from years past. I think I could talk about her for hours.  But yet... I can't touch or even look at her clothes or other possessions.  I'm not sure how long it will take me before I can finally go through them.

At times, I find myself so happy for her.  I know how much she suffered, especially during the last few years.  She was one of the strongest people I have met,or will probably ever meet.  Even during her most intense, painful and scary moments, if she was conscious, she would always  be able to find a smile, a kind word, sometimes even a joke, for the people around her... nurses, aides, doctors, anyone that was around.  She would thank them all, even when they had to bring her more pain.  So, I find myself wondering what she is doing in Heaven.  Is she dancing, singing, spending time with her loved ones that had gone on before?  Once legally blind, her eyes can now see perfectly.  Once she struggled for a deep breath, or sometimes any kind of breath, but now she has no pain and everything functions perfectly.  No worries!

At times, I am just thankful for the 30 years I had her with me on this earth.  With all of her health problems, sometimes I wondered if I would make it to adulthood before she had to leave me.  I'm so thankful because she saw me graduate high school, saw me walk down the aisle to be wed, and grew to love her son-in-law almost as much as me.  She did not get to meet her grandchildren, but if we are able to have children one day, I believe she will be smiling down on them from Heaven.  She was able to celebrate 50 years of marriage to her one and only.  She was always my loving mother, but after I grew up, she was also one of my closest friends.  Then during the last several years, the tables turned, and I took care of her.

Lately, I have times where I find myself longing for just one more hug... to bend over and put my head on her chest, fill my lungs with her calming, comforting scent.  I want to look into her eyes and see again how much she loves me.  I want to hear her voice... the one that sang her special song for me (You Are My Sunshine), the one that teased me and everyone else.  I want to hold her hand... the hand that became crippled with arthritis, but for so many nights rocked me to sleep.

Helping Mom Do Dishes

Even though several people have told me I look a lot like Momma, I've never really thought so.  Tonight at dinner, I laughed and my mother-in-law told me that I looked just like Momma for a few moments.  I realized how proud that makes me... because I know I will always carry part of her, not only in my heart and mind, but also on my face.... maybe a tiny glimpse of her beautiful smile and laughter... frozen in time.

Lessons in Homemaking and Life

The following was written almost 6 years ago while dealing with the grief of losing my mother.  I think it is also timely due to the current feminist debate.  I'm not posting this to try to contribute to that debate, but it touches on some of my non-feminist views.  

Lessons in Homemaking and Life

Mom while pregnant with me.

I was going through some recipes of my Momma's earlier and just broke down at the sight of her handwriting.  I'm telling you, it's the weirdest, smallest things that make me break down.  Seeing her handwriting on those browned, worn-out recipe cards made me remember all the good times when she would bake - family reunions, holiday dinners. It also made me happy to think about how much she enjoyed cooking, baking, being a hostess, and just being a housewife in general.

Mom went to beauty school and became a beautician right before she married Daddy in her late teen years.  She worked at beauty shops for several years back then and a couple of other short-term jobs later on, but for the majority of their marriage and definitely after I came along, she was a stay-at-home wife and mother.

As I was growing up, I had NO desire whatsoever to learn to cook, sew, or any of the other housekeeping type of activities.  I did well in school and graduated Valedictorian of my high school class.  I wanted to "go places" and be a doctor (Optometrist) or a computer programmer or several other different careers that  I spent all of high school and three years of college trying to decide on!  I pretty much brushed Mom off when she tried to show me things here and there.  I hated housework (that is pretty much still the same! lol) and was always impatient to get back to whatever book I was reading at the time.  Patience is not my strong point!

I finally settled (and I do mean settled) on a career of teaching high school English Language Arts.  I then proceeded to  drop out of college after three years because I realized my personality was not suited at all to being a teacher.  I went to work full-time, got married, and slowly, slowly began to change my outlook on being a homemaker.  I began learning to cook on my own, and over time it has grown to be a strong passion of mine.  

After dropping out of college, and as a result, losing my scholarship, I struggled with the goals I had set for myself and the goals others had assumed for me.  I felt like I had failed in some ways and failed some people, and maybe I should have went ahead, stuck it out, and gotten SOME type of degree just to have reached that milestone in life, but I believe God and I have worked out those issues for the most part.  I don't know what the future holds, hopefully children one day, and maybe it holds a degree in culinary somewhere down the line. :)  I long to use my baking as a ministry to reach others and also possibly a career down the road a few miles.  I certainly would not discourage anyone from getting a college degree.  Our finances can testify to that, especially now that I'm not working at all. :)  But Seth is good at his job (computer programmer/ web designer), and God knew that I would have to be a caregiver to my parents down the road.  What would I have done with a high-maintenance career then? 

I said all of that to say this.  lol  I realize now what a special, important, and fulfilling job it is to be a homemaker - to take care of your family. I wish I had WANTED to learn to cook and sew and all the homemaker-type of things Momma tried to show me when I was younger.  I could have learned so many lessons back then... how to can and "put up" food, make clothes... so many things!  At that point, I thought I wanted to be a career woman. :)  Thought being the key word.

At least Mom did get to see some of my passion for cooking develop over the last few years.  One of the last memories I have of Momma before she got so sick the last time was of her sitting in the kitchen last Thanksgiving (2010) telling me how to make dressing and gravy. She even had us help her stand up in front of the stove (without her oxygen) so she could show me how to make the roux for the gravy.  That was the first time she had done anything in the kitchen in several years.  I take some comfort in knowing that she enjoyed that day and the fact that she was finally able to teach me some of the things she had tried so hard to do in the past.

Mom and Me.

Looking back over my life, I have done so many things impulsively and impatiently.  I have done things MY way and not asked God for His opinion. :)  I know that God has taken care of me all of these years and ultimately that He has blessed me with so many people and things that I don't deserve.  He has taken care of me - despite ME.  But I also know that I could have done things easier, without so much heartache, regret, and guilt, if I had been in the Word more, prayed more, and actually waited and listened for God's reply before I moved forward.  I am trying to do these things now and I still struggle a lot with my patience, but God is with me.  With my cooperation, He is slowly changing me to be more like Jesus.  I sure do have a LONG way to go and I fail all the time, but it feels so good to be moving forward and not to be in that old rut any longer!



"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." - John 15:5 NIV (Jesus speaking)

"Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did." - 1 John 2:6 NIV

"But the fruit of the [Holy] Spirit [the work which His presence within accomplishes] is love, joy (gladness), peace, patience (an even temper, forbearance), kindness, goodness (benevolence), faithfulness, gentleness (meekness, humility), self-control (self-restraint, continence). Against such things there is no law [that can bring a charge]." - Galatians 5:22-23 Amplified Bible

"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength they shall mount up with wings like eagles ;they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31 ESV

"Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him." - Psalm 37:7a NIV

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." - Psalm 27:14 NIV

- Debra Graybeal,

written April 10, 2011.

Moonlight Ramblings

I have been looking at some things I've written in the past, especially during the illnesses and deaths of my parents.  Since one of my life experiences that I want to share with you is grief, I thought I would share some of those writings here.

We are approaching the anniversary of Mom's death, so I thought this one would be a good place to start.  I wrote this close to 6 years ago.  She had been gone almost 2 months at that time.


Moonlight Ramblings

As I was looking at the "bright, close" moon tonight, it made me think of my Momma and made me miss her even more.  I don't really know why.  It's not like we had any special "moon" memories together.  But as I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a couple of possible reasons.

For one, maybe it's because I'm not able to share this special event with her.  Even though she was legally blind and couldn't see well at all for the last 15 or so years of her life and couldn't have actually seen the moon tonight, I always enjoyed telling her about things and describing them to her.  We talked about everything... big and small.

For another, I think its because as I gazed at the spectacular sky, it reminded me of its spectacular maker, God, and this made me think that Mom is with Him tonight.  Now don't get me wrong, this is an AWESOME reality and makes me SO happy! That knowledge is what has gotten me through this.  I know she is in Heaven and no longer in pain.  She can see; she can walk or run!  She's not having panic attacks or worrying.  

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelation 21:4 NIV

But... because she is with Him tonight... she seems very far away and she's not with ME.

Mom and Me - Easter 1981

Seth patiently listens as I've talked to him about my thoughts over the last couple of months when the sadness just gets overwhelming.  As I was talking to him tonight while standing on the front porch looking at that moon, I told him that it's just so weird for me not to be able to communicate with her anymore.  I know that sounds goofy because I mentally know that, and I've never had that feeling when anyone else I've known has passed away.  But she was my Momma... the one who took care of me at the beginning of our relationship and was taken care of by me at the end. All during that time, I either saw her every day or at least talked to her on the phone several times a day.  We were extremely close.  For the first time in my 30 years, I can't do anything to communicate with her.  I can't call her; I can't drive to see her at home or at the hospital.  I know she is gone, but it still seems like I should be able to do SOMETHING to be with her.  This is not one of those things you think you will feel when someone passes away.

I can communicate with God.  I can pray to Him at any time and in any place.  Even though I can't physically call Him or drive to see Him, I know He is with me,the Holy Spirit is inside me, always. PRAISE HIM for that!

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever-- The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you." - John 14:16-17 Amplified Bible

But... Mom is with God tonight and I can communicate with God, but I can't communicate with her.  I guess that's the point I've been trying to make.  Maybe this is the reason people try to "communicate with dead people" and all of that stuff because it is so hard to let go of that communication. That's certainly not what I want to do!  I do not feel like that is Biblical and I certainly don't want to get mixed up in that stuff!  That is a whole other subject and one that I am not qualified to speak on! But I can kind of see the reason behind why some do it now.

Do I think she can see me "down" here on earth from where she is in Heaven?  I don't have a clue.  Do I want her to be able to know my thoughts and feelings with her perfect mind and body?  To see my every failure and petty sin?  That could be scary.  I don't know these things and probably won't know until I have a perfect mind and body myself.  Then I believe I will see my Momma again.  When we are both WHOLE and NEW.  What a wonderful reunion that will be!

"For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully  and clearly known and understood [by God]." - 1 Corinthians 13:12 Amplified Bible

I have been able to see God's hands guiding the process of her passing every step of the way.  He has shown Himself to Seth and I over and over and more fully than I have ever felt His presence before.  It is an amazing feeling in the midst of all the sadness and grief.  But my human mind still feels that grief and sometimes it gets very strong.... at the weirdest times usually!  The "peace that passes all understanding" has gotten me through this time, though.  I don't understand how people without the Holy Spirit can make it through these times, or any times really.  God has also given me Seth, who couldn't have been a better helpmate and partner.  He has also given me such wonderful family and friends who have been there for me through it all.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7 NIV

"Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4 NIV


"Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep [in death], that you may not grieve [for them] as the rest do who have no hope [beyond the grave]." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 Amplified Bible

So do I miss my Momma like crazy at time?  Do I have questions about Heaven and her being there?  Do I still want to tell her things all the time?  You bet!  But above all, I want her to be exactly where she is right now.  To be with Jesus... to be waiting there for me when my time comes and when we, along with Daddy and Seth, will be together, forever.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." - 1 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV

- Debra Graybeal,
written March 20, 2011

Anxiety & Depression vs Me

By Debra Graybeal

It's a powerful, complex mixture of anti-depressants, benzos, and sleeping pills.

It's weeks of waiting to find out side effects, withdrawal symptoms, and maybe needing to start all over... Again.

It's baring my soul to a counselor, diving into painful childhood memories, then needing to find another because we just don't mesh.

It's being unable to work, but feeling lazy because I also don't have children.

It's time passing by with too few accomplishments.

It's caring too much, and not caring at all.

It's like right now... 7 am, eyes burning, head pounding, panic escalating, no sleep at all yet because the sleeping pill didn't work... Again.

It's finally falling asleep...Peace!  Just kidding.... then it's the recurring nightmares, clenching my teeth, and sometimes scratching my face.

It's sleeping too much or not enough.

It's no rest, whether awake or asleep.

It's wanting, needing to live my life, but feeling incapable of taking a shower.

It's dreams on hold, pressing in, but feeling too empty to care.

It's all - or nothing.

It's feeling like a disappointment... Again.

It's having tense, painful muscles, Always.

It's begging my brain to let me socialize with friends, to be denied... Again.

It's agonizing over what those friends think about me when I have to cancel... Again.

It's hopelessness, guilt, exhaustion, racing thoughts, pounding heart... all rolled together in a vicious cycle.

It's being so thankful for an understanding husband, but feeling so bad for adding to his stress.

It's being paranoid about others and second-guessing myself, but feeling powerless to stop.

It's knowing others don't understand, think I'm just weak, and don't have enough faith.

It's a panic attack ruining... Everything.

It's knowing the goal of the right combination of pills isn't to get high or "feel good", but to just feel like me.

It's looking irresponsible because I can't keep that commitment... Again.

It's simply someone knocking on the door to deliver a package, but triggering so much more.

It's feeling a sense of dread, even though it's a beautiful day.

It's hard to be vulnerable, so it's putting on a smile and saying "I'm just fine"... Again.

It's praying for a miracle, but knowing it may always be this way and having to accept that.

It's knowing despite all of this, God is still good, He still provides, and I am still blessed.

Welcome to my new blog!

I will be sharing random thoughts about life, faith, mental health, infertility, miscarriage, and grief.

I'm sure you will also be seeing a lot of our baby, Cesar, our Chihuahua!  Here's a photo of the little man to kick things off...

There will also be some recipes thrown in of my baking; however, don't expect amazing photos! 

My hope is you find a few recipes you would like to try, maybe have a few laughs at our craziness, but especially, I pray that my experiences will help you in some way - by providing needed information of where to find help or sharing encouragement that you are not alone.

Thanks for joining me on this new journey!