Mother's Day 2018

I wore my necklace today...the one Seth bought me after the miscarriage.  It has tiny baby feet and the March birthstone for our baby's due date.

I always try to be as transparent as possible because I believe God has allowed me to go through certain things in this life in order to hopefully be a light to others. 

So... I don't say this to be a "downer" to those celebrating Mother's Day.  Believe me, I am thankful for the 30 years I was able to celebrate my own precious mother.  I say this for those who have also had a hard day on this holiday.

This is my 2nd Mother's Day since our miscarriage.  I thought last year would have been the hardest, but I was wrong.  For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this year.  I am SO thankful for a husband and precious friends who have held me up today and all week.

But for those who are dealing with grief from losing their mothers, from infertility, from losing a child or children, from not having a good relationship with their mothers.... Seth and I have dealt with every single one of these, either separately or together, and we know.  We know how it hurts, how you feel you need to suffer in silence because of everyone else's joy.  We see you... we are with you in the trenches. 

Not only do women suffer on Mother's Day, so do some men.  It has been a very rough day for my husband today too.  He has hurt from knowing what I am going through, but he is also dealing with his own pain from these issues today.  So....women AND men.... We are praying with you, for you, and for us today.

First Birthday

Princesses, Mickey or Minnie, teddy bears, sailboats, butterflies...  I'm supposed to be planning a 1st Birthday party theme.  I should be able to flip through a photo album showing 12 months of growth for our bouncing baby girl or boy.  Instead I sit here on the one year anniversary of our baby's due date with this feeling of emptiness.  The same one I've had for over a year and a half now since the miscarriage.

Life goes on, and I really can't believe it's been a year already since his or her due date.  That feeling of emptiness dulls in a way, but I have the feeling I will be sitting here on this date feeling the same way for many years to come....Year 2, 5, 13, 18, 25, 30.  What would he or she look like?  Sound like? What would they be doing for a career?  Would they marry and have children?

"You made my whole being;  you formed me in my mother’s body." - Psalms 139:13 NCV

As long as I breathe, there will be an emptiness inside me... An ache for my child that I never got to see, empty arms that never held him or her, ears that never heard a small voice call me Mommy.  The memory of the day that precious heart beat no more. Remembering the day my womb was empty once again.

But through it all, I know he or she is in Heaven.  I believe I will get that hug one of these days.  That knowledge gives me hope to deal with this emptiness and grief.

"You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body.  When I was put together there you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." - Psalms 139:15-16 NCV

Your Daddy and I love you very much, Baby G.  Hope you are celebrating in Heaven with your grandparents.  They will love you well until we get there.

2017 in Review

There are less than 2 hours of 2017 left as I sit here reflecting on the past year and on the one rapidly approaching.  2017 flew by.  It is amazing how fast time really does fly the older you get.  I will be 37 in 2 weeks.  I know I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore either. Lol

There was so much I wanted to accomplish in 2017 that didn't happen.  But I also have to remember that a lot of healing did take place this year.  Seth and I have had a rough several years, and I need to remember to give myself a break and the time to slow down, to process, to breathe, to heal.  Time passes fast, but grief and healing, as well as anxiety and depression, follow no time-table, calendar, or clock.

March 6th was the due date of our baby who didn't make it to see 2017.  We watched Mother's Day and Father's Day pass with empty arms.  I suffered a very low time of severe depression in the middle of the year, probably more severe than most people realized.  Seth was very worried and my psychiatrist was concerned.  Then I experienced an allergic reaction to newly prescribed Prozac and had to switch meds without tapering.  It was a rough time for me, and for Seth, but God saw us through.  I slowly improved again.

I was able to join the staff at Essential Church as a volunteer member.  Much of the last part of the year has been spent in the church office, working from home, or on staff trips.  This has been such a blessing for me.  A part-time job with responsibilities, but without the complete responsibility of a paying job.  It has been challenging in a good way and has helped me feel like I am contributing to life again.

We are so thankful for our family and our church family.  Friendships have been made and have gotten stronger this year.

Seth and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  He understands me like no one else ever could.  He takes care of me, protects me, encourages me, loves me.  He is still my forever love and best friend.

We still don't feel like we have a clear answer from God on whether to pursue getting pregnant again.  My biological clock is ticking....lol. But we are continuing to pray and wait for answers.  And I am praying to be content with whatever that answer is.

My hopes for 2018 are better health for both of us, less stress, and much more traveling and enjoying life.  My mental illnesses will probably never completely go away this side of Heaven, but I pray to be able to live life to the fullest more in 2018.

Happy New Year, friends!

Why Psalm 139 Means More To Me Now...

I've always thought the words of Psalm 139:1-18 are so poetic, so beautiful.  It's always been one of my favorite psalms and has always made me feel so intimately connected to God.  He knows everything about me, and He still loves me enough that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me.

In the last year, this psalm has also come to mean something else to me.  For those of you who don't know, Seth and I lost our first child to miscarriage last year at 9 weeks.  It's been a rough year.  March 6th was difficult because that was his or her due date.  This past week was difficult because we found out I was pregnant 1 year ago on June 27th.

But this psalm has brought me comfort this year because I read it through the eyes of my baby now. God was with our baby as his or her heart started beating, as the organs formed and grew, and then when that tiny little heart stopped beating.  I know that he or she is deeply loved by God and I believe is in Heaven right now and we will meet him or her one day.

It also brings me comfort to read this psalm about myself now in a different way - to read it through the lens of grief.  I know that God knows all about the grief that Seth and I are going through, and He is right there with us in it.  In my every waking thought, in my every nightmare or sleepless night. When I don't know what to pray, He knows.  In this world we have to go through pain, but He will never, ever leave me.  He will never leave any of us.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Some Scattered Thoughts...from 2011

On this Father's Day, I thought I would post one more note I wrote after Daddy passed away in 2011.

"Two weeks and two days since Daddy has been in Heaven... the more time that passes, the more it hurts.  At first I just saw him in that hospital bed and his body slowly shutting down... and I just wanted him to be at peace.  Now that I'm away from the hospital atmosphere, I see him in so many places I go and things I do... Here at home napping in his recliner, going out to eat, working in his garden, greeting customers at Wal-Mart, teasing me.  When he was well and happy.  That is the man I miss.  I cherish the photos and the memories.  I am so thankful for being able to take care of him and Momma so closely.  I love that Daddy and I could be there for each other through the pain of Momma's death.  We were able to discuss our feelings but also share our good memories and laugh together.  I am so glad to have shared the Gatlinburg trip with him in March.  I am so grateful for the memories his co-workers and old friends have shared with me of the man he was when he was away from me.

Air Force - late 1950s

At the time, it felt like Daddy's illness in the hospital lasted forever, but it was really so sudden and unexpected.  The brevity of life, as well as the closeness of Heaven, has never been more real to me.  With both Daddy and Momma and despite the differences in their illnesses, I witnessed the process of God orchestrating the transition between life and death.  I can't really explain it, but how He allowed them to let go, how He arranged our conversations and last moments together, how He prepared all of our hearts.  It was amazing to see them so close to death and at the same time so peaceful and ready to go.

Christmas Eve 1995

Seth and I can look back now and although we knew Daddy was sad after Momma was gone, we can see now how depressed he was without her.  I believe God kept Daddy strong for Momma and then he allowed Daddy's health to decline so they could be together again.  Daddy had prostate cancer for over 10 years, but it didn't become aggressive until recently.  I think He knew Momma couldn't have handled Daddy going first.  Of course, these are all speculations and I won't know until I get there, too, but it is amazing how despite our grief, God has comforted us with some insights into the mystery of death and of Heaven.  Just tiny, tiny glimpses into His handiwork. I also know that because of their relationships with Christ, Momma and Daddy are both not just "dead".  That thought is so final, cold, and empty.  They are so far from "dead".  They are rejoicing forever with Jesus!

Mom and Dad with Newborn Debra - January 1981

Next to God, Seth fills the biggest part of my heart.  But there are also two holes there now that feel so empty... ones that only Momma and Daddy could or ever will be able to fill.  I know the hurt and pain will diminish over time, but that emptiness will always remain... on this earth anyway.  Until God takes me home... Because there is HOPE and JOY in the morning!"

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written September 18, 2011

"...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." - Psalm 30:5b NIV

Daddy's Bedside

Here is a note I wrote during Daddy's illness.  Thank you, God, for the strength you gave Seth and me to do what we needed to do during this time.  Thank you for my life with this sweet, southern gentleman.

 Senior football - Altoona High 1954

"I know without a doubt that God has given me the strength that only comes from Him to make it through this situation with Daddy. I could not have made it through even one day without His strength and peace. But I feel like I get into a routine of hospital visits, phone calls, doctor questions, paperwork to be filled out, and just putting one foot in front of the other.  So sometimes sitting here by his hospital bed in the quiet and stillness of the night, I feel like I am in a bad dream.  I look at Daddy and almost don't recognize his frail body and pale, sunken face. It feels too much like 7-8 short months ago with Momma. Sometimes I even look at him and see her lying in that bed.

Daddy and me - 1981

It's not my Daddy with the thin, bruised arms that keep jerking. It's certainly not his lungs rattling when he breathes. How could my 6' 3" tall father who weighed 225 pounds a few short weeks ago be less than 180 now?

I sit here and wonder where his mind is now.  Is he just sleeping and dreaming, reliving old memories, or maybe has God allowed his mind to see his future of Heaven?  Does he know his body is lingering here but that shortly he will see Jesus?

Daddy in Gatlinburg - March 2011

I sit here so thankful for the special goodbyes we were able to say to each other a few days ago. Not a permanent farewell but a "see you one day soon" with Momma there too.

I also sit here thankful that when he was still awake that he wasn't dwelling on his situation but he seemed to be enjoying wherever he was in his mind while in the state we call dementia. He was laughing and singing and didn't seem to recognize the pain that cancer can do to a body.

I fully believe God is and has been protecting him, just like He did Momma, until he is totally "absent from the body and present with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:8).  I definitely don't have these answers but I am so thankful that the One who does is holding my Daddy close to His side."

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written August 27, 2011
(6 days before Daddy passed away)

Father's Day 2017

As a tribute to my father for Father's Day, I thought I would share what I wrote to go in his Memorial Service Program in September 2011.  I miss you, Daddy!

"My father, Malcolm Dean Thomas, was born September 6, 1935, in a house on Meighan Boulevard in Attalla, Alabama. Almost 76 years later, he passed away just down the same road at Gadsden Regional Medical Center in Gadsden, Alabama.  But the years in between were filled with the full life of a quiet, gentle man who was bigger than life to me.

Daddy’s parents raised him and his younger brother, Deward, in the rural community of Moody’s Chapel in the town of Altoona, Alabama.  Daddy was three years older than Uncle Deward and opposite in personality.  Daddy was the quiet, serious one while Uncle Deward was mischievous and outgoing.  A tragic farming accident and not his job as an Etowah County Sheriff’s Deputy, cut Uncle Deward’s life short in 1972 at the age of 33.  Daddy and my grandfather discovered the accident and Daddy had nightmares about it the rest of his life.

Daddy joined the United States Air Force not long after graduating from Altoona High School.  He spent close to 10 years in the service stationed from Florida to Alaska.  He went on to have many different jobs including working in an ice cream factory, working at the Russell Cave National Monument, delivering propane gas, and he spent about 18 years working in the shop at Bowman Truck Lines in Birmingham.  His last job was as a Greeter for 16 years in the Garden Center at Boaz Wal-Mart.  He worked hard his entire life and was still employed, on a leave of absence, at the time of his death.

Daddy married my mother, Shirley, in 1960, and they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 2010 before Momma passed away in January of this year.  Daddy followed her to Heaven just 7 months and 2 days later.  I was born in 1981 after Daddy and Momma had been married for 21 years and had given up on ever having children.  I could not have asked for more loving and dedicated parents.

Daddy enjoyed gardening, fishing, Alabama football, and drinking coffee.  He was a man of few words but he could tease with the best of them once he got to know you.  He was extremely friendly and his go-to phrase was, “Y’all go with us”.  He was a caring, dedicated husband and took care of Momma for several years after her health started declining.  He has left behind a legacy of kindness and love.  A lot of employees at the hospital remember the many nights he would come straight to the hospital from working at Wal-Mart, sleep on the cot beside her bed, and then leave the next day to get ready for work again.  He also left a legacy of kindness to his customers and fellow associates at Wal-Mart.  I’ve heard comments such as, “He was always smiling” and “You can’t find a better man than that”. I know I am extremely proud and thankful to be his daughter.

More important than any other relationship, my Daddy had a saving relationship with Jesus and it showed in his attitude and countenance.  Today as we bury my Daddy on his birthday, he has celebrated another kind of birth day.  I know without a doubt that he is in Heaven with Jesus right now.  He is finally able to rest and he is free from the pain of cancer.  I believe he is reunited with his precious wife, as well as the brother with whom he never had a change to say goodbye.  Only because of the sacrifice of Jesus who died for our sins and my own relationship with Jesus, I have the amazing hope and anticipation of seeing my Daddy, as well as my Momma, again.  Instead of sickness and pain, one day I will see the radiance of Heaven on their faces and will be able to spend eternity with them there."

                                                                                                 - Debra Thomas Graybeal



“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NIV

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 NLT