Silenced Song

Once upon a time I sang constantly.  For years and years....it was a small thing that made my happy.  Not in public mind you, but along with the radio in the car, at home, in the shower, cleaning, even while reading.

One day several months ago, the singing stopped and only silence remained.  I didn't even notice it had stopped because I was preoccupied with what was happening in the silence.  Extreme mental and physical tension, racing thoughts, deep sadness, heart-pounding irritability and anger, exhaustion from no sleep and not being able to slow down, obsessions, guilt, shame, crying, hyperventilating, losing interest in what I love.  The ups and downs and extreme shifts in mood are often.  Not just changing every day, but sometimes every few minutes. 

This is newly diagnosed Bipolar II Disorder.

Recently I have started a medicine that may be helpful in healing my brain.  It remains to be seen.  After one medicine that didn't seem to help and one that made things a lot worse, I have started seeing small positive differences with this one. 

One day recently.... I opened my mouth and I sang again.  Then, I closed my mouth and I started crying.  Because it hit me just how bad things had become that I stopped singing, that I stopped doing something so simple that brought me joy, and also because this disorder had so consumed me that I hadn't even realized I had stopped.  The tears also continued to fall because maybe somewhere deep down in this dark pit of hell there is still a tiny ray of hope.