Why Psalm 139 Means More To Me Now...

I've always thought the words of Psalm 139:1-18 are so poetic, so beautiful.  It's always been one of my favorite psalms and has always made me feel so intimately connected to God.  He knows everything about me, and He still loves me enough that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me.

In the last year, this psalm has also come to mean something else to me.  For those of you who don't know, Seth and I lost our first child to miscarriage last year at 9 weeks.  It's been a rough year.  March 6th was difficult because that was his or her due date.  This past week was difficult because we found out I was pregnant 1 year ago on June 27th.

But this psalm has brought me comfort this year because I read it through the eyes of my baby now. God was with our baby as his or her heart started beating, as the organs formed and grew, and then when that tiny little heart stopped beating.  I know that he or she is deeply loved by God and I believe is in Heaven right now and we will meet him or her one day.

It also brings me comfort to read this psalm about myself now in a different way - to read it through the lens of grief.  I know that God knows all about the grief that Seth and I are going through, and He is right there with us in it.  In my every waking thought, in my every nightmare or sleepless night. When I don't know what to pray, He knows.  In this world we have to go through pain, but He will never, ever leave me.  He will never leave any of us.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Some Scattered Thoughts...from 2011

On this Father's Day, I thought I would post one more note I wrote after Daddy passed away in 2011.

"Two weeks and two days since Daddy has been in Heaven... the more time that passes, the more it hurts.  At first I just saw him in that hospital bed and his body slowly shutting down... and I just wanted him to be at peace.  Now that I'm away from the hospital atmosphere, I see him in so many places I go and things I do... Here at home napping in his recliner, going out to eat, working in his garden, greeting customers at Wal-Mart, teasing me.  When he was well and happy.  That is the man I miss.  I cherish the photos and the memories.  I am so thankful for being able to take care of him and Momma so closely.  I love that Daddy and I could be there for each other through the pain of Momma's death.  We were able to discuss our feelings but also share our good memories and laugh together.  I am so glad to have shared the Gatlinburg trip with him in March.  I am so grateful for the memories his co-workers and old friends have shared with me of the man he was when he was away from me.

Air Force - late 1950s

At the time, it felt like Daddy's illness in the hospital lasted forever, but it was really so sudden and unexpected.  The brevity of life, as well as the closeness of Heaven, has never been more real to me.  With both Daddy and Momma and despite the differences in their illnesses, I witnessed the process of God orchestrating the transition between life and death.  I can't really explain it, but how He allowed them to let go, how He arranged our conversations and last moments together, how He prepared all of our hearts.  It was amazing to see them so close to death and at the same time so peaceful and ready to go.

Christmas Eve 1995

Seth and I can look back now and although we knew Daddy was sad after Momma was gone, we can see now how depressed he was without her.  I believe God kept Daddy strong for Momma and then he allowed Daddy's health to decline so they could be together again.  Daddy had prostate cancer for over 10 years, but it didn't become aggressive until recently.  I think He knew Momma couldn't have handled Daddy going first.  Of course, these are all speculations and I won't know until I get there, too, but it is amazing how despite our grief, God has comforted us with some insights into the mystery of death and of Heaven.  Just tiny, tiny glimpses into His handiwork. I also know that because of their relationships with Christ, Momma and Daddy are both not just "dead".  That thought is so final, cold, and empty.  They are so far from "dead".  They are rejoicing forever with Jesus!

Mom and Dad with Newborn Debra - January 1981

Next to God, Seth fills the biggest part of my heart.  But there are also two holes there now that feel so empty... ones that only Momma and Daddy could or ever will be able to fill.  I know the hurt and pain will diminish over time, but that emptiness will always remain... on this earth anyway.  Until God takes me home... Because there is HOPE and JOY in the morning!"

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written September 18, 2011

"...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." - Psalm 30:5b NIV

Daddy's Bedside

Here is a note I wrote during Daddy's illness.  Thank you, God, for the strength you gave Seth and me to do what we needed to do during this time.  Thank you for my life with this sweet, southern gentleman.

 Senior football - Altoona High 1954

"I know without a doubt that God has given me the strength that only comes from Him to make it through this situation with Daddy. I could not have made it through even one day without His strength and peace. But I feel like I get into a routine of hospital visits, phone calls, doctor questions, paperwork to be filled out, and just putting one foot in front of the other.  So sometimes sitting here by his hospital bed in the quiet and stillness of the night, I feel like I am in a bad dream.  I look at Daddy and almost don't recognize his frail body and pale, sunken face. It feels too much like 7-8 short months ago with Momma. Sometimes I even look at him and see her lying in that bed.

Daddy and me - 1981

It's not my Daddy with the thin, bruised arms that keep jerking. It's certainly not his lungs rattling when he breathes. How could my 6' 3" tall father who weighed 225 pounds a few short weeks ago be less than 180 now?

I sit here and wonder where his mind is now.  Is he just sleeping and dreaming, reliving old memories, or maybe has God allowed his mind to see his future of Heaven?  Does he know his body is lingering here but that shortly he will see Jesus?

Daddy in Gatlinburg - March 2011

I sit here so thankful for the special goodbyes we were able to say to each other a few days ago. Not a permanent farewell but a "see you one day soon" with Momma there too.

I also sit here thankful that when he was still awake that he wasn't dwelling on his situation but he seemed to be enjoying wherever he was in his mind while in the state we call dementia. He was laughing and singing and didn't seem to recognize the pain that cancer can do to a body.

I fully believe God is and has been protecting him, just like He did Momma, until he is totally "absent from the body and present with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:8).  I definitely don't have these answers but I am so thankful that the One who does is holding my Daddy close to His side."

- Debra Thomas Graybeal,
Written August 27, 2011
(6 days before Daddy passed away)

Father's Day 2017

As a tribute to my father for Father's Day, I thought I would share what I wrote to go in his Memorial Service Program in September 2011.  I miss you, Daddy!

"My father, Malcolm Dean Thomas, was born September 6, 1935, in a house on Meighan Boulevard in Attalla, Alabama. Almost 76 years later, he passed away just down the same road at Gadsden Regional Medical Center in Gadsden, Alabama.  But the years in between were filled with the full life of a quiet, gentle man who was bigger than life to me.

Daddy’s parents raised him and his younger brother, Deward, in the rural community of Moody’s Chapel in the town of Altoona, Alabama.  Daddy was three years older than Uncle Deward and opposite in personality.  Daddy was the quiet, serious one while Uncle Deward was mischievous and outgoing.  A tragic farming accident and not his job as an Etowah County Sheriff’s Deputy, cut Uncle Deward’s life short in 1972 at the age of 33.  Daddy and my grandfather discovered the accident and Daddy had nightmares about it the rest of his life.

Daddy joined the United States Air Force not long after graduating from Altoona High School.  He spent close to 10 years in the service stationed from Florida to Alaska.  He went on to have many different jobs including working in an ice cream factory, working at the Russell Cave National Monument, delivering propane gas, and he spent about 18 years working in the shop at Bowman Truck Lines in Birmingham.  His last job was as a Greeter for 16 years in the Garden Center at Boaz Wal-Mart.  He worked hard his entire life and was still employed, on a leave of absence, at the time of his death.

Daddy married my mother, Shirley, in 1960, and they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in 2010 before Momma passed away in January of this year.  Daddy followed her to Heaven just 7 months and 2 days later.  I was born in 1981 after Daddy and Momma had been married for 21 years and had given up on ever having children.  I could not have asked for more loving and dedicated parents.

Daddy enjoyed gardening, fishing, Alabama football, and drinking coffee.  He was a man of few words but he could tease with the best of them once he got to know you.  He was extremely friendly and his go-to phrase was, “Y’all go with us”.  He was a caring, dedicated husband and took care of Momma for several years after her health started declining.  He has left behind a legacy of kindness and love.  A lot of employees at the hospital remember the many nights he would come straight to the hospital from working at Wal-Mart, sleep on the cot beside her bed, and then leave the next day to get ready for work again.  He also left a legacy of kindness to his customers and fellow associates at Wal-Mart.  I’ve heard comments such as, “He was always smiling” and “You can’t find a better man than that”. I know I am extremely proud and thankful to be his daughter.

More important than any other relationship, my Daddy had a saving relationship with Jesus and it showed in his attitude and countenance.  Today as we bury my Daddy on his birthday, he has celebrated another kind of birth day.  I know without a doubt that he is in Heaven with Jesus right now.  He is finally able to rest and he is free from the pain of cancer.  I believe he is reunited with his precious wife, as well as the brother with whom he never had a change to say goodbye.  Only because of the sacrifice of Jesus who died for our sins and my own relationship with Jesus, I have the amazing hope and anticipation of seeing my Daddy, as well as my Momma, again.  Instead of sickness and pain, one day I will see the radiance of Heaven on their faces and will be able to spend eternity with them there."

                                                                                                 - Debra Thomas Graybeal



“I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NIV

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 NLT

True Heroes

Seth took this photo tonight at a local restaurant.  It really touched both of us.  It may be hard to see, but sitting in a booth across from us were 2 older gentlemen and an older lady.

Seth had already pointed out that both of the men were wearing World War II hats, but a little later on we saw the lady on the left of this photo walk over to them and introduce her grandson, the little boy standing next to her.  He had been learning about WWII and was fascinated with it.  We couldn't hear all of the conversation, but we could tell both of the men were explaining their roles and patiently answering the little boy's questions.  They were still sitting there talking a while later when we left.

In a world of fictional superheroes and famous actors/musicians/sports "heroes", this little boy realizes who our true HEROES are.

Thank you to the grandmother, the veterans, and this sweet little boy for proving that respect for our military is still being taught and learned.  God Bless America.

Mother's Day 2017

This photo represents what Mother's Day means to me this year...

Baby G - Our son or daughter in Heaven who made me a mother. It will be a sad day because we don't have him or her here with us to celebrate my first Mother's Day.  But it will also be a special day because I know our baby is in Heaven and I will remember and celebrate him or her.

My Mother - It will be a sad day because this is the 7th Mother's Day I have spent without her.  It will be a special day because of the memories of the 30 years I had her here on earth to love and celebrate.

Cesar - He may be a chihuahua, but he has also been my sweet baby for almost 10 years now.  He has brought so much comfort and joy to our home.  He has filled a small part of the hole in our family as we have longed for a baby.


The mixed feelings of happiness and sadness can be so difficult on days like this.

Happy Mother's Day to my family and friends!  I join you as you celebrate with your children and parents this weekend. You deserve all of it!

For those of you feeling sadness, I join with you as well.  I am thinking of you and praying for you:

For those who have lost children, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost mothers, I remember you.

For those of you who have lost babies through miscarriage, I remember you.

For those of you struggling with infertility, I remember you.

For those of you who never had a relationship with your mothers or children or have a strained relationship, I remember you.

You are not alone.  You are not forgotten.  On Mother's Day or ever.

March 6, 2017...

Today would have been your due date, Baby G.  How time has flown since we found out about you at 4 weeks, heard your heartbeat twice at 7 1/2 weeks and almost 9 weeks, found out at the 11 1/2 week ultrasound that your heart had stopped beating 2 1/2 weeks earlier at about 9 weeks just after that last heartbeat was heard, and felt the loss as you were taken from my body during what should have been the last few days of the 1st trimester.  

March 6, 2017 ... Back on June 27, 2016 when we found out I was pregnant, today's date seemed like such a long time in the future to have to wait to meet you.  The first thing I did after telling your daddy and calling the fertility clinic, and after my whole body finally stopped shaking so hard, was to look up your due date. Wow, you would be born in 2017, probably late February or early March.  Maybe even on your uncle's birthday, Feb. 22, or your maternal grandparents' anniversary, Feb. 27.  We would find out your gender close to our anniversary in September.  Christmas would be so fun as we prepared for your arrival.  Data and timelines have always been my thing.  I don't know how many times I sat and stared at that list of approximate dates.

I was so impatient for all the milestones of pregnancy and for the day we would see your little face. I have continued counting down these remaining 28 weeks in my head, but besides this date being carved on my heart, now it's really just another day.  No birth announcements or new family photos, no date of induction or contractions and a hurried trip to the hospital.  We never got to have that ultrasound where we found out whether you were a boy or a girl, never got to feel you kick, never had a baby shower.  We just had a date and a strong love for you in our hearts.

I have watched on Facebook as others who were pregnant at the same time have gone on to have healthy babies and others to announce new pregnancies.  Life has flown by, but in a way, mine and your daddy's lives have been on hold since then.  Sometimes those almost 3 months of pregnancy seem like a dream, so surreal.

August 19, 2016 - We were so excited that day.  It was our first appointment with the OB/GYN who would deliver you.  It had been 2 1/2 weeks since we last saw you on the screen and heard that precious heart beat at the fertility specialist.  Everything had gone great so far and they had released us to the care of the OB. I had finally let down my guard a little. My HCG and other levels were good, we had seen your picture 3 times and had heard your heartbeat twice. I thought we were almost to the end of the 1st trimester and things seemed to be going so well.

We were scheduled for the ultrasound first before meeting the doctor, and we talked with the technician for awhile as she explained about the practice and answered our questions like when we would do the gender ultrasound and which hospital we should deliver at, so many exciting details.  Then it was time to take a look.  I remember seeing you and knowing right away that something was wrong.  The technician was so quiet and so solemn as she performed what she would later explain to us was a test to see blood flow.  In the most compassionate voice, she showed us where the blood was flowing in my body but none to you.  Your heart was so still and so silent.  She hugged me and told me how sorry she was.  She left us alone for me to get dressed as she went to tell the doctor.  She came back, moved us to another room, and told us the doctor would be in shortly.

Your daddy and I just sat there in that quiet, still exam room.  I couldn't cry, I couldn't really talk.  Your daddy kept asking me if I was okay, and all I could really tell him was how numb I felt inside.    Not even really shock, because even though I thought things were good, after we found out, it seemed like I already knew it would happen.  Everything seemed to be in slow motion.  Your daddy felt so helpless and was so concerned about me.  It seemed like we sat there like that for hours.  It was a fairly long wait because the office was busy.

The doctor finally came in and she was so understanding and I absolutely loved her, even though our first meeting was at such a sad time.  We discussed options... Really, I had two.  Because I had a Missed Miscarriage, with no symptoms, my body had yet to realize what it needed to do.  It had already been 2 1/2 weeks with no signs.  I could either wait on my body to finally do what it should whenever that would be, or I could have a D & C.  She recommended having the surgery because it had already been so long and because you were already fairly well-developed.  No miscarriage is ever easy, but when a pregnancy has progressed even that far, it would be physically more traumatic than an early miscarriage.

People had to be told the sad news, and especially since we had told everyone super early, we dreaded it.  But we ended up being glad we did share so early.  We needed that support and prayers.  Everyone was so kind.  They surrounded us with love, prayers, and food. So many people privately shared their own struggles with us, of infertility, miscarriage, loss.  I hope that by telling your story, and about our journey with infertility, that others will also know they are not alone.  1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage in their lives.  I want them to know I understand and that it is okay to grieve.  You are not just a mass of tissue.  You were knit together in my womb.  You had a heartbeat, you had fingerprints and unique DNA.  You matter.

Surgery was scheduled for 5 days later, August 24.  I never did have a single sign that the miscarriage was going to happen.  It was a rough 5 days knowing I still carried you within my body but you were no longer alive.  I had watched all the videos and read all the descriptions of your weekly development.  I knew that at 9 weeks you were a fetus, no longer an embryo, and all of your major organs should have been developed.  I imagined you were perfectly formed, but your little heart had just stopped.  I wondered when it had happened, what I was doing at the time.  It seemed like I should have felt it, should have known somehow.  Then the questions - Did I do anything wrong?  Did I cause this?  Why?  My body seemed to be holding on to you so tightly, even after you were gone, so why couldn't you have lived?

At my surgery follow-up, the doctor explained that test results showed there was no reason I shouldn't be able to have a healthy pregnancy next time.  Also, because your body had not been alive for over 3 weeks, they were unable to test for your gender.  We will never know, at least while on this earth, if you are a boy or a girl.  I so wanted that closure so I could give you a name, but for some reason it was not to be.

My Necklace with Baby G's Due Date Birthstone for March

There has been grief and will continue to be, but I also know God has been and will always be with us.  There are reasons that only He knows as to why you went to Heaven so early.  I no longer question if it was my fault.  I can't wait to meet you one day, to know your gender, to maybe even say your name, a name perfectly suited to you.  I hope I can look in your eyes and compare your features to mine and your daddy's, to your grandparents and uncle.  Will you have Daddy's reddish-blonde hair or my green eyes?  Will you know just how much you were loved from the moment that pregnancy test showed two lines, and how we prayed for you for long before that time? 

Will you one day have a brother or sister, either biological or adopted?  Only God knows that at this point.  But no matter what happens, thank you for making us parents.  Our lives are forever changed by you, and our love for you will continue all our days and into eternity.

Give your maternal grandparents a hug for us.  Since their deaths, I have regretted they would not be here when you were born. They would have been so proud.  Little did I know that they would actually get to see you first.  I can picture you in their arms... Daddy's big grin beaming down at you and Momma gazing at your sweet features with perfect eyesight - not the blurry view she had for so long here on earth.  

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." - Psalms 139:13-16 NLT

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NLT