Moonlight Ramblings

I have been looking at some things I've written in the past, especially during the illnesses and deaths of my parents.  Since one of my life experiences that I want to share with you is grief, I thought I would share some of those writings here.

We are approaching the anniversary of Mom's death, so I thought this one would be a good place to start.  I wrote this close to 6 years ago.  She had been gone almost 2 months at that time.


Moonlight Ramblings

As I was looking at the "bright, close" moon tonight, it made me think of my Momma and made me miss her even more.  I don't really know why.  It's not like we had any special "moon" memories together.  But as I've been thinking about it, I've come up with a couple of possible reasons.

For one, maybe it's because I'm not able to share this special event with her.  Even though she was legally blind and couldn't see well at all for the last 15 or so years of her life and couldn't have actually seen the moon tonight, I always enjoyed telling her about things and describing them to her.  We talked about everything... big and small.

For another, I think its because as I gazed at the spectacular sky, it reminded me of its spectacular maker, God, and this made me think that Mom is with Him tonight.  Now don't get me wrong, this is an AWESOME reality and makes me SO happy! That knowledge is what has gotten me through this.  I know she is in Heaven and no longer in pain.  She can see; she can walk or run!  She's not having panic attacks or worrying.  

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” - Revelation 21:4 NIV

But... because she is with Him tonight... she seems very far away and she's not with ME.

Mom and Me - Easter 1981

Seth patiently listens as I've talked to him about my thoughts over the last couple of months when the sadness just gets overwhelming.  As I was talking to him tonight while standing on the front porch looking at that moon, I told him that it's just so weird for me not to be able to communicate with her anymore.  I know that sounds goofy because I mentally know that, and I've never had that feeling when anyone else I've known has passed away.  But she was my Momma... the one who took care of me at the beginning of our relationship and was taken care of by me at the end. All during that time, I either saw her every day or at least talked to her on the phone several times a day.  We were extremely close.  For the first time in my 30 years, I can't do anything to communicate with her.  I can't call her; I can't drive to see her at home or at the hospital.  I know she is gone, but it still seems like I should be able to do SOMETHING to be with her.  This is not one of those things you think you will feel when someone passes away.

I can communicate with God.  I can pray to Him at any time and in any place.  Even though I can't physically call Him or drive to see Him, I know He is with me,the Holy Spirit is inside me, always. PRAISE HIM for that!

"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever-- The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you." - John 14:16-17 Amplified Bible

But... Mom is with God tonight and I can communicate with God, but I can't communicate with her.  I guess that's the point I've been trying to make.  Maybe this is the reason people try to "communicate with dead people" and all of that stuff because it is so hard to let go of that communication. That's certainly not what I want to do!  I do not feel like that is Biblical and I certainly don't want to get mixed up in that stuff!  That is a whole other subject and one that I am not qualified to speak on! But I can kind of see the reason behind why some do it now.

Do I think she can see me "down" here on earth from where she is in Heaven?  I don't have a clue.  Do I want her to be able to know my thoughts and feelings with her perfect mind and body?  To see my every failure and petty sin?  That could be scary.  I don't know these things and probably won't know until I have a perfect mind and body myself.  Then I believe I will see my Momma again.  When we are both WHOLE and NEW.  What a wonderful reunion that will be!

"For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully  and clearly known and understood [by God]." - 1 Corinthians 13:12 Amplified Bible

I have been able to see God's hands guiding the process of her passing every step of the way.  He has shown Himself to Seth and I over and over and more fully than I have ever felt His presence before.  It is an amazing feeling in the midst of all the sadness and grief.  But my human mind still feels that grief and sometimes it gets very strong.... at the weirdest times usually!  The "peace that passes all understanding" has gotten me through this time, though.  I don't understand how people without the Holy Spirit can make it through these times, or any times really.  God has also given me Seth, who couldn't have been a better helpmate and partner.  He has also given me such wonderful family and friends who have been there for me through it all.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7 NIV

"Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted." - Matthew 5:4 NIV


"Now also we would not have you ignorant, brethren, about those who fall asleep [in death], that you may not grieve [for them] as the rest do who have no hope [beyond the grave]." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13 Amplified Bible

So do I miss my Momma like crazy at time?  Do I have questions about Heaven and her being there?  Do I still want to tell her things all the time?  You bet!  But above all, I want her to be exactly where she is right now.  To be with Jesus... to be waiting there for me when my time comes and when we, along with Daddy and Seth, will be together, forever.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." - 1 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV

- Debra Graybeal,
written March 20, 2011