Frozen in Time

Another writing soon after Mom's passing...

- Written June 23, 2011,
by Debra Graybeal


It's been over 4 1/2 months since Momma took her last painful breath on this earth, and in the blink of an eye, was in the glorious presence of Jesus.  As I've said all along, grief has been an odd companion for me.  It has hit me at the strangest times.  I can go for days, and lately even weeks, without the grief being unbearable.  But then out of the blue, my heart will hurt so bad, like a knife through my chest.

Mom - age 19

Daddy and I have gotten into a routine of sorts.  We find comfort in talking about her, in joking about her, and making sure we include her memory in our plans.  What would she think or say about doing this or going here?  We really enjoy recounting stories from years past. I think I could talk about her for hours.  But yet... I can't touch or even look at her clothes or other possessions.  I'm not sure how long it will take me before I can finally go through them.

At times, I find myself so happy for her.  I know how much she suffered, especially during the last few years.  She was one of the strongest people I have met,or will probably ever meet.  Even during her most intense, painful and scary moments, if she was conscious, she would always  be able to find a smile, a kind word, sometimes even a joke, for the people around her... nurses, aides, doctors, anyone that was around.  She would thank them all, even when they had to bring her more pain.  So, I find myself wondering what she is doing in Heaven.  Is she dancing, singing, spending time with her loved ones that had gone on before?  Once legally blind, her eyes can now see perfectly.  Once she struggled for a deep breath, or sometimes any kind of breath, but now she has no pain and everything functions perfectly.  No worries!

At times, I am just thankful for the 30 years I had her with me on this earth.  With all of her health problems, sometimes I wondered if I would make it to adulthood before she had to leave me.  I'm so thankful because she saw me graduate high school, saw me walk down the aisle to be wed, and grew to love her son-in-law almost as much as me.  She did not get to meet her grandchildren, but if we are able to have children one day, I believe she will be smiling down on them from Heaven.  She was able to celebrate 50 years of marriage to her one and only.  She was always my loving mother, but after I grew up, she was also one of my closest friends.  Then during the last several years, the tables turned, and I took care of her.

Lately, I have times where I find myself longing for just one more hug... to bend over and put my head on her chest, fill my lungs with her calming, comforting scent.  I want to look into her eyes and see again how much she loves me.  I want to hear her voice... the one that sang her special song for me (You Are My Sunshine), the one that teased me and everyone else.  I want to hold her hand... the hand that became crippled with arthritis, but for so many nights rocked me to sleep.

Helping Mom Do Dishes

Even though several people have told me I look a lot like Momma, I've never really thought so.  Tonight at dinner, I laughed and my mother-in-law told me that I looked just like Momma for a few moments.  I realized how proud that makes me... because I know I will always carry part of her, not only in my heart and mind, but also on my face.... maybe a tiny glimpse of her beautiful smile and laughter... frozen in time.