Silenced Song

Once upon a time I sang constantly.  For years and years....it was a small thing that made my happy.  Not in public mind you, but along with the radio in the car, at home, in the shower, cleaning, even while reading.

One day several months ago, the singing stopped and only silence remained.  I didn't even notice it had stopped because I was preoccupied with what was happening in the silence.  Extreme mental and physical tension, racing thoughts, deep sadness, heart-pounding irritability and anger, exhaustion from no sleep and not being able to slow down, obsessions, guilt, shame, crying, hyperventilating, losing interest in what I love.  The ups and downs and extreme shifts in mood are often.  Not just changing every day, but sometimes every few minutes. 

This is newly diagnosed Bipolar II Disorder.

Recently I have started a medicine that may be helpful in healing my brain.  It remains to be seen.  After one medicine that didn't seem to help and one that made things a lot worse, I have started seeing small positive differences with this one. 

One day recently.... I opened my mouth and I sang again.  Then, I closed my mouth and I started crying.  Because it hit me just how bad things had become that I stopped singing, that I stopped doing something so simple that brought me joy, and also because this disorder had so consumed me that I hadn't even realized I had stopped.  The tears also continued to fall because maybe somewhere deep down in this dark pit of hell there is still a tiny ray of hope. 

Memories

Memories... They can be so good and also so bad, but they frame our lives.  They are necessary.  So easy to forget at times, but also so difficult to get out of your head at other times.

Four days ago, August 19, began a short, but intense series of bad memories for me.  All the way through the first week of September, I will be unable to forget.  I will be sad, I will grieve, I will regret some things, I will probably still ask why about others. 

August 19th, two years ago, was when Seth and I found out the baby in my womb no longer lived.  Two years ago tomorrow, I had surgery, a D&C, to take my child's body from mine.  At this time seven years ago, my Daddy was lying in a hospital bed with his mind unclear and his body diminishing rapidly daily.  He passed away seven years ago September 2.  He was buried on his birthday, September 6.  There are also a few more different and private events that occurred in my life that week but in a different year that also had a very lasting, negative impact on my life. 

But God will bring me through.  I didn't say He would let me skip over it or that He would suddenly erase those things from my memory.  It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will over the next couple of weeks.  But He will be with me THROUGH it, like He always has been and always will be.  I will feel His presence, deep inside my soul, and in the comfort of my husband, my family, my friends. 

2017 in Review

There are less than 2 hours of 2017 left as I sit here reflecting on the past year and on the one rapidly approaching.  2017 flew by.  It is amazing how fast time really does fly the older you get.  I will be 37 in 2 weeks.  I know I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore either. Lol

There was so much I wanted to accomplish in 2017 that didn't happen.  But I also have to remember that a lot of healing did take place this year.  Seth and I have had a rough several years, and I need to remember to give myself a break and the time to slow down, to process, to breathe, to heal.  Time passes fast, but grief and healing, as well as anxiety and depression, follow no time-table, calendar, or clock.

March 6th was the due date of our baby who didn't make it to see 2017.  We watched Mother's Day and Father's Day pass with empty arms.  I suffered a very low time of severe depression in the middle of the year, probably more severe than most people realized.  Seth was very worried and my psychiatrist was concerned.  Then I experienced an allergic reaction to newly prescribed Prozac and had to switch meds without tapering.  It was a rough time for me, and for Seth, but God saw us through.  I slowly improved again.

I was able to join the staff at Essential Church as a volunteer member.  Much of the last part of the year has been spent in the church office, working from home, or on staff trips.  This has been such a blessing for me.  A part-time job with responsibilities, but without the complete responsibility of a paying job.  It has been challenging in a good way and has helped me feel like I am contributing to life again.

We are so thankful for our family and our church family.  Friendships have been made and have gotten stronger this year.

Seth and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  He understands me like no one else ever could.  He takes care of me, protects me, encourages me, loves me.  He is still my forever love and best friend.

We still don't feel like we have a clear answer from God on whether to pursue getting pregnant again.  My biological clock is ticking....lol. But we are continuing to pray and wait for answers.  And I am praying to be content with whatever that answer is.

My hopes for 2018 are better health for both of us, less stress, and much more traveling and enjoying life.  My mental illnesses will probably never completely go away this side of Heaven, but I pray to be able to live life to the fullest more in 2018.

Happy New Year, friends!

To Prozac or Not to Prozac...

So I went to see my psychiatrist almost a month ago.  My depression has been worse lately, so she thought it was time for a med change.  I had been taking Zoloft at a maxed-out dose for a few years now and maybe it had stopped being as effective.  She gave me a couple of choices and we decided on Prozac, which I had never taken before.  She gave me a schedule of increasing Prozac and decreasing Zoloft for several weeks.

I left feeling glad to have a plan and hope of things getting better, but also a huge sense of dread.  Anyone who is familiar with either stopping or changing psych meds will tell you it is no fun at all.  That's really putting it mildly.  There are withdrawal symptoms to deal with no matter how slowly you taper the withdrawal... some meds much worse than others.  Then at the same time there is a huge possibility of side effects with the new med, possible interactions with other meds, etc.  They all react differently for each person. 

So when you encounter a side effect, there are decisions to make. Is it a withdrawal symptom of the old med or a side effect of the new one?   Is it a side effect you can live with if it never gets better?  Is it one you can deal with if it only lasts a few weeks?  What if you push through and suffer through just for things to not work out with the med and you have to start all over... again?

I started itching soon after changing meds, but I decided to push through.  I was also dealing with some stomach issues, pretty bad headaches, some soreness, a lot of depression, and worsening of some types of my anxiety.  But thankfully, no brain zaps, which can be a big withdrawal symptom.  (Effexor can be a huge cause, and yes, I know from experience!)  But things seemed to get a little better or at least stayed fairly stable for a couple of weeks, even though a couple of red spots appeared on my back.  I started to get a little nervous since I don't usually deal with many skin issues.  But maybe it was just a coincidence and was just a couple of pimples.  

Then this Tuesday, my schedule was to increase Prozac and decrease the Zoloft again.  The last couple of days things have escalated rapidly.  The itching is pretty bad and more welts appeared... I now have my first ever case of hives.  Yay... (That was sarcastic, by the way!) 😊  

I called my psychiatrist today and she does believe the Prozac is the cause.  I am to stop it and take Benadryl for a few days so hopefully the hives will go away.  Then I will start a new med next week.  We're going with Lexapro this time, which I was on for several years with no issues, and hopefully will work again.  Adding Prozac to my "can't take" list!

So now I get the fun experience of watching for signs of Serotonin Syndrome due to so many meds in my system, while trying to balance keeping enough in my system to not mentally spiral downward any further. Serotonin Syndrome is when you have too much Serotonin in your system and can be fatal if not treated.  Nausea, vomiting, shaking, and fever are some of the symptoms.

Prayers are appreciated.  Hopefully the Prozac was the culprit, the Benadryl and stopping the Prozac will help my reaction (and all the itching!!!!), the Lexapro won't cause issues and will end up helping, I won't have issues with too much Serotonin but will have enough to keep me as level as possible until my next appointment. Prayers also that I will have the strength and patience for starting over again.  

Anxiety & Depression vs Me

By Debra Graybeal

It's a powerful, complex mixture of anti-depressants, benzos, and sleeping pills.

It's weeks of waiting to find out side effects, withdrawal symptoms, and maybe needing to start all over... Again.

It's baring my soul to a counselor, diving into painful childhood memories, then needing to find another because we just don't mesh.

It's being unable to work, but feeling lazy because I also don't have children.

It's time passing by with too few accomplishments.

It's caring too much, and not caring at all.

It's like right now... 7 am, eyes burning, head pounding, panic escalating, no sleep at all yet because the sleeping pill didn't work... Again.

It's finally falling asleep...Peace!  Just kidding.... then it's the recurring nightmares, clenching my teeth, and sometimes scratching my face.

It's sleeping too much or not enough.

It's no rest, whether awake or asleep.

It's wanting, needing to live my life, but feeling incapable of taking a shower.

It's dreams on hold, pressing in, but feeling too empty to care.

It's all - or nothing.

It's feeling like a disappointment... Again.

It's having tense, painful muscles, Always.

It's begging my brain to let me socialize with friends, to be denied... Again.

It's agonizing over what those friends think about me when I have to cancel... Again.

It's hopelessness, guilt, exhaustion, racing thoughts, pounding heart... all rolled together in a vicious cycle.

It's being so thankful for an understanding husband, but feeling so bad for adding to his stress.

It's being paranoid about others and second-guessing myself, but feeling powerless to stop.

It's knowing others don't understand, think I'm just weak, and don't have enough faith.

It's a panic attack ruining... Everything.

It's knowing the goal of the right combination of pills isn't to get high or "feel good", but to just feel like me.

It's looking irresponsible because I can't keep that commitment... Again.

It's simply someone knocking on the door to deliver a package, but triggering so much more.

It's feeling a sense of dread, even though it's a beautiful day.

It's hard to be vulnerable, so it's putting on a smile and saying "I'm just fine"... Again.

It's praying for a miracle, but knowing it may always be this way and having to accept that.

It's knowing despite all of this, God is still good, He still provides, and I am still blessed.