Wellness or Illness

 This is so true, both physically and mentally.  Most people realize this about their physical health, but it's just as true mentally.  

I lived my earlier years either blind to the fact that I needed to make time for myself mentally, or I pushed things back thinking they would go away on their own.  I just needed time to heal from a trauma.  It wasn't a broken bone.  It would go away I thought.  I could push through the nightmares and the flashbacks and the anxiety.

Wrong... 

I have a long list of mental disorders and illnesses.  Some are because I didn't get help earlier.  I shoved memories back and I kept going and my body and mind finally pushed back a few years ago.  They had enough.  Now I have to make time for my illnesses.  

Don't be like me.  Make time for your wellness.  It's worth it.... You are worth it.

#mentalhealthawareness

Silenced Song

Once upon a time I sang constantly.  For years and years....it was a small thing that made my happy.  Not in public mind you, but along with the radio in the car, at home, in the shower, cleaning, even while reading.

One day several months ago, the singing stopped and only silence remained.  I didn't even notice it had stopped because I was preoccupied with what was happening in the silence.  Extreme mental and physical tension, racing thoughts, deep sadness, heart-pounding irritability and anger, exhaustion from no sleep and not being able to slow down, obsessions, guilt, shame, crying, hyperventilating, losing interest in what I love.  The ups and downs and extreme shifts in mood are often.  Not just changing every day, but sometimes every few minutes. 

This is newly diagnosed Bipolar II Disorder.

Recently I have started a medicine that may be helpful in healing my brain.  It remains to be seen.  After one medicine that didn't seem to help and one that made things a lot worse, I have started seeing small positive differences with this one. 

One day recently.... I opened my mouth and I sang again.  Then, I closed my mouth and I started crying.  Because it hit me just how bad things had become that I stopped singing, that I stopped doing something so simple that brought me joy, and also because this disorder had so consumed me that I hadn't even realized I had stopped.  The tears also continued to fall because maybe somewhere deep down in this dark pit of hell there is still a tiny ray of hope. 

Memories

Memories... They can be so good and also so bad, but they frame our lives.  They are necessary.  So easy to forget at times, but also so difficult to get out of your head at other times.

Four days ago, August 19, began a short, but intense series of bad memories for me.  All the way through the first week of September, I will be unable to forget.  I will be sad, I will grieve, I will regret some things, I will probably still ask why about others. 

August 19th, two years ago, was when Seth and I found out the baby in my womb no longer lived.  Two years ago tomorrow, I had surgery, a D&C, to take my child's body from mine.  At this time seven years ago, my Daddy was lying in a hospital bed with his mind unclear and his body diminishing rapidly daily.  He passed away seven years ago September 2.  He was buried on his birthday, September 6.  There are also a few more different and private events that occurred in my life that week but in a different year that also had a very lasting, negative impact on my life. 

But God will bring me through.  I didn't say He would let me skip over it or that He would suddenly erase those things from my memory.  It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will over the next couple of weeks.  But He will be with me THROUGH it, like He always has been and always will be.  I will feel His presence, deep inside my soul, and in the comfort of my husband, my family, my friends. 

Mother's Day 2018

I wore my necklace today...the one Seth bought me after the miscarriage.  It has tiny baby feet and the March birthstone for our baby's due date.

I always try to be as transparent as possible because I believe God has allowed me to go through certain things in this life in order to hopefully be a light to others. 

So... I don't say this to be a "downer" to those celebrating Mother's Day.  Believe me, I am thankful for the 30 years I was able to celebrate my own precious mother.  I say this for those who have also had a hard day on this holiday.

This is my 2nd Mother's Day since our miscarriage.  I thought last year would have been the hardest, but I was wrong.  For some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this year.  I am SO thankful for a husband and precious friends who have held me up today and all week.

But for those who are dealing with grief from losing their mothers, from infertility, from losing a child or children, from not having a good relationship with their mothers.... Seth and I have dealt with every single one of these, either separately or together, and we know.  We know how it hurts, how you feel you need to suffer in silence because of everyone else's joy.  We see you... we are with you in the trenches. 

Not only do women suffer on Mother's Day, so do some men.  It has been a very rough day for my husband today too.  He has hurt from knowing what I am going through, but he is also dealing with his own pain from these issues today.  So....women AND men.... We are praying with you, for you, and for us today.

First Birthday

Princesses, Mickey or Minnie, teddy bears, sailboats, butterflies...  I'm supposed to be planning a 1st Birthday party theme.  I should be able to flip through a photo album showing 12 months of growth for our bouncing baby girl or boy.  Instead I sit here on the one year anniversary of our baby's due date with this feeling of emptiness.  The same one I've had for over a year and a half now since the miscarriage.

Life goes on, and I really can't believe it's been a year already since his or her due date.  That feeling of emptiness dulls in a way, but I have the feeling I will be sitting here on this date feeling the same way for many years to come....Year 2, 5, 13, 18, 25, 30.  What would he or she look like?  Sound like? What would they be doing for a career?  Would they marry and have children?

"You made my whole being;  you formed me in my mother’s body." - Psalms 139:13 NCV

As long as I breathe, there will be an emptiness inside me... An ache for my child that I never got to see, empty arms that never held him or her, ears that never heard a small voice call me Mommy.  The memory of the day that precious heart beat no more. Remembering the day my womb was empty once again.

But through it all, I know he or she is in Heaven.  I believe I will get that hug one of these days.  That knowledge gives me hope to deal with this emptiness and grief.

"You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother’s body.  When I was put together there you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." - Psalms 139:15-16 NCV

Your Daddy and I love you very much, Baby G.  Hope you are celebrating in Heaven with your grandparents.  They will love you well until we get there.

2017 in Review

There are less than 2 hours of 2017 left as I sit here reflecting on the past year and on the one rapidly approaching.  2017 flew by.  It is amazing how fast time really does fly the older you get.  I will be 37 in 2 weeks.  I know I'm not old, but I'm not exactly young anymore either. Lol

There was so much I wanted to accomplish in 2017 that didn't happen.  But I also have to remember that a lot of healing did take place this year.  Seth and I have had a rough several years, and I need to remember to give myself a break and the time to slow down, to process, to breathe, to heal.  Time passes fast, but grief and healing, as well as anxiety and depression, follow no time-table, calendar, or clock.

March 6th was the due date of our baby who didn't make it to see 2017.  We watched Mother's Day and Father's Day pass with empty arms.  I suffered a very low time of severe depression in the middle of the year, probably more severe than most people realized.  Seth was very worried and my psychiatrist was concerned.  Then I experienced an allergic reaction to newly prescribed Prozac and had to switch meds without tapering.  It was a rough time for me, and for Seth, but God saw us through.  I slowly improved again.

I was able to join the staff at Essential Church as a volunteer member.  Much of the last part of the year has been spent in the church office, working from home, or on staff trips.  This has been such a blessing for me.  A part-time job with responsibilities, but without the complete responsibility of a paying job.  It has been challenging in a good way and has helped me feel like I am contributing to life again.

We are so thankful for our family and our church family.  Friendships have been made and have gotten stronger this year.

Seth and I celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary this year.  He understands me like no one else ever could.  He takes care of me, protects me, encourages me, loves me.  He is still my forever love and best friend.

We still don't feel like we have a clear answer from God on whether to pursue getting pregnant again.  My biological clock is ticking....lol. But we are continuing to pray and wait for answers.  And I am praying to be content with whatever that answer is.

My hopes for 2018 are better health for both of us, less stress, and much more traveling and enjoying life.  My mental illnesses will probably never completely go away this side of Heaven, but I pray to be able to live life to the fullest more in 2018.

Happy New Year, friends!

Why Psalm 139 Means More To Me Now...

I've always thought the words of Psalm 139:1-18 are so poetic, so beautiful.  It's always been one of my favorite psalms and has always made me feel so intimately connected to God.  He knows everything about me, and He still loves me enough that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for me.

In the last year, this psalm has also come to mean something else to me.  For those of you who don't know, Seth and I lost our first child to miscarriage last year at 9 weeks.  It's been a rough year.  March 6th was difficult because that was his or her due date.  This past week was difficult because we found out I was pregnant 1 year ago on June 27th.

But this psalm has brought me comfort this year because I read it through the eyes of my baby now. God was with our baby as his or her heart started beating, as the organs formed and grew, and then when that tiny little heart stopped beating.  I know that he or she is deeply loved by God and I believe is in Heaven right now and we will meet him or her one day.

It also brings me comfort to read this psalm about myself now in a different way - to read it through the lens of grief.  I know that God knows all about the grief that Seth and I are going through, and He is right there with us in it.  In my every waking thought, in my every nightmare or sleepless night. When I don't know what to pray, He knows.  In this world we have to go through pain, but He will never, ever leave me.  He will never leave any of us.

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.